A Long Night

 Maybe it's a race thing?

It has to be. Or a strange coincidence. 

Yet, I can't help but notice how certain neighborhoods are designed with more. More convience, more recreation centers, more safety measures such as signs. Stop signs, crossing signs, speed limit signs as well as traffic lights, and speed cameras. Also, it is not lost upon me that the residents that take up such carefully constructed neighborhoods are comprised of people of a lighter hue.

While my neighborhood populates residents who share an ethnicity that results in beautiful black, and brown complexions. I find it strange how our community lacks the same level of care such as those communities occupied by the opposite race. If only we had more? More crosswalks. More speeding cameras. More stop signs. Would this night be different?

This was my thoughts as I try to combat the eruption of my emotions from the view in front of me. In order to save face and remain calm as to not make a fucked up situation worst, by taking the attention off of my little girl who clings to consciousness by a very tiny thread. Her little bloody covered eyes fight to stay open as they slip into closure every few minutes just to jolt open by the loud sounds of paramedics working to keep her awake as we ride  hastily to the emergency room. 

The ride oddly bumpy as I watch her little body sway to the movements. I hold her hand taking the feel of her skin to memory in case I never get this opportunity again. There it is again, the urge to burst into tears. I swallow it. As I lean in close to whisper in her ear.  "We're almost there Momma. Just hang in there. Please. 
I need you." She just looks at me. As if she's communicating reassurance in her eyes. I wanted desperately to take that hope as a sign to have faith. But, I was so far gone in my fear that I couldn't comprehend the possibility that she will survive this. Not in that moment. Not in that ambulance. Not with all that blood coming out. No. I needed confirmation. Proof. Which I will not get until we get to this hospital. Fuck! This is the longest ride ever.

Once we finally arrived things moved rather quickly. Much of it is a blur honestly. I think I was doped up on so much adrenaline I operated on auto pilot that whole night. 

I was able to stay by her side the entire time. Even when a team of doctors accessed the damage to get a clear understanding of her injuries. I watched as they ordered x-rays, and discovered fractures, and located several cuts and bruises. Seeing a team surrounding her was just the thing to break her silence. Cali cried soft scared tears, prompting me to jump into action of soothing her. 

When they wheeled her away to get x-rays I was right behind her. Just then Carl and Jones arrived meeting us while in route. Jones still frantic screamed Cali's name as soon as he saw her. Seeing her brother intensified her tears as for the first time since the accident she started to fight wanting to be with her brother. The fact that she had the energy to do that gave me hope for the first time.

When we arrived to the room where we were to wait for answers a cop was posted by our door. It took a minute for me to realize that an officer had followed us from the scene. I was unsure why, but I also didn't care in that moment. I needed answers! Still unaware of what really happened I took the opportunity to ask my questions starting with WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?

Carl replied:

We were crossing the street to return home. I checked. I checked for cars but it was clear. So we started crossing. As we were walking I noticed lights in the distance, but I thought we had time, plus we were already in the road. The car must've been FLYING because before I knew it was getting uncomfortably close so I told the kids to run. Jones was in front, he made it safely across. Cali was right behind him with the little dog (Bagel the beagle) and I was right behind her with the big dog (Lucky the german shephard). The car never slowed so I yelled: STOP! as soon as I screamed it was too late. The car hit Cali. She flew up and landed headfirst on the pavement to the opposite side of the street where we just walked past. She layed there motionless. She made no sounds. I thought she was dead.

The car kept going and I panicked! I picked her up and ran her home. I brought her to you. I didn't have my phone. This is all my fault! That FUCKING CAR DIDN"T STOP! Carl screamed right before punching the wall allowing his emotions to get the best of him briefly.

His outburst attracted the attention of the officer who was now in the room asking me if everything is alright? I told the cop he's just really upset. That little icebreaker created the opening the officer needed to inform us that he's here to connect us with what is going on at the scene as well as collect the results of our daughter's injuries. I turned my questions to him. I asked did you find the driver?

He said: Yes. In fact the driver stopped and called the cops. She's an elderly woman who heard a scream and then she hit something. She said when she got out the car to check there was no one there, she thought she hit a dog. It wasn't until we told her that she hit a child, and she became pretty upset. The officers are with her now doing an investigation. 

He gave us the contact information to the detective that will be handling our case, and went back to his seat in the hallway to wait like us for the full picture of her injuries. 

I kept my eyes on her surveying her body for signs of distress or internal bleeding ( not even sure if you could tell internal bleeding) but I was beyond my sanity at this point. I had been up since four in the morning that day. When the doctor return to let us know that the worst of it was a fractured leg. I breathed a sigh of relief. A broken leg I can deal with. A dead child.Not so much. However, she was not out of the woods just yet. They will need to put a cast on her and observe her throughout the night. 

When the doctor left Cali asked about Bagel. It was then that Carl and Jones remembered in unison that BAGEL WAS MISSING!!

What! I yelled. Surprised by the amount of energy I mustered just to do that. What do you mean Bagel is missing? Jones, fearing death of his father by the hands of his mother stepped up to say that when Cali got hit she dropped the leash and I think Bagel got hit too, but when daddy picked up Cali Bagel was gone! We didn't see him and we had to get Cali help. Carl interjected: Everything happened so fast, babe I thought maybe he ran home, but he isn't there. I told the neighbors when you left in the ambulance that we can't find him, so they offered to look for him. He might be hurt hiding somewhere. 

And there it was!

The last bit of nerve, strength, sanity I had left. GONE! It was officially too much. Seeing my daughter in a hospital bed ...AGAIN! watching the horror and pain on my son's face. The anger in my husbands eyes, and now THE DOG IS GONE! possibly dead. Possibly hurt. Missing! 

THAT IS IT!!

My system is overloaded and there was nothing left for me to do but to shut down.

Seeing my spirit leave my eyes Carl began to suggest  that maybe I should take Jones home. 

I protested. HEAVY. 

However,

Carl made it clear he's not leaving her side and with it nearing 2am. Jones panicks was starting to slow, and getting replaced with exhaustion. Carl pleaded with me to take him home and get some rest. "I need to be here with her. Please? This is my mess. This was my fault. Let me stay?"

Honestly,

In that moment. I didn't disagree.