The Accident (part 1)

I have thought long and hard about what I want to say to you this time.
You should know what I say to you is not without thought and concern as to how I am being perceived. I have been getting a lot of positive feedback, and I cannot tell you enough how excited I am that you have been taking the time out of your life to step into my world.
I mentioned before that my birthday is coming up, and it's a special birthday because I am turning 30! But as I mentioned I am really struggling with my anxiety.
I am not sure if I told you this but my mother was 36 when she died.
Although I always knew she was young, me turning 30 really makes me see just how young she was. WARNING!!!!
 I know what I am about to say might make no sense, but remember you are in my world now so I'm showing you how I think.
Because of my heart condition I live in fear that I might not live to become an old women. Because my mother and I have always been so similar (so much so that we hardly ever got along) I compare my life line to hers. Think about it...she was completely healthy when she was my age. She had no reason to suspect that at 30 her time would be cut short, and if it wasn't for the accident she would still be here.
But me on the other hand, since birth the prospect of me having longevity has always been an unknown question. Based off my medical records (which I have) I should not have lived past the age of four. But here I am...and although I should feel encouraged and proud of myself and my story. Instead, I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop.
It's FEAR!
I live in fear. Have you ever felt scared?
Have you ever felt like something bad is about to happen?
Although you have no reason in the world to feel that way.
It's a weird feeling.. like something is wrong, and as hard as you try you can't figure out what exactly it is and it keeps you up at night.
Well I can date the origin of this fear back to the day of the accident.
It's time to take a ride down memory lane.............

It all started my senior year of high school.
Which happened to be one of the happiest times of my life.
For most of my grade school years I was a loser (let's be honest)
Although I knew a lot of people. A lot of people did not know me.
For my sister however it was different. People knew who she was...I mean how could you not. She was/is (make sure I say that cause she will check me)beautiful, she was/is kind, smart, great personality, cool, but not funny (I don't care what she says) the total package (Just like our mother). If you did know who I was it was as Melony's sister or the girl with the raspy voice and no neck.
Unlike my sister I was teased a lot.
At first it really confused me because I thought I was/am a beautiful girl.
I have hazel eyes, always had long natural hair, puberty hit me early so I had breast (although uneven) they are still breast! I am funny, outgoing personality. I mean let's get real I thought I would go to school and be the shit! Although I have no coordination nor rhythm I imagined myself as a cheerleader dating the sexiest chocolate football player on the team. Eating only salads for lunch and riding around in a cute little bright colored beetle car to make a statement.
But that dream was busted when people started pointing out that my voice was weird (something I can't control). Then they started asking me why I don't have a neck? ( which I do by the way, it's just very short. You might need a magnifying glass to see it, but it's there I promise)
Then like wildfire it starting spreading!!
Everyone was calling me names...people I didn't know, never met or had any conversations with would yell down the hall when they saw me saying "she ain't got no neck" and for the ones that did talk to me they would always try to change their voice to emulate mines, but not in a fun way.
It happened so often that I started believing them. I mean if everyone is saying this about me it must be some truth to it. I started hating myself and school, and because I didn't like the attention I started hiding myself, keeping to myself, and avoiding crowds. I would see some people in high school that I thought had cool personalities and that we could be friends but I never attempted to make friends because I just knew nobody wanted to be associated with me.
Eventually I made one or two friends, but then towards the end of 11th grade I finally made friends. When I became a senior I didn't just have friends, I had a group of friends "cool" friends. They were four girls in particular (I won't say their names but they know who they are) They were popular, beautiful, and they excepted me as I was.
My sister was away in college in north Carolina, and although my mother and I bumped heads a lot throughout the years. This year was different. We were becoming friends.
She had this cool job where she would sale oxygen to medical facilities so she had more free time then when she worked as a respiratory therapist at hospitals. She would even let me skip school to go to work with her which always ended in shopping. Because I was somewhat cool now I needed to upgrade my fashion sense.
It was like the stars was aligned.
Unfortunately this only lasted six months.
After Christmas it was time for my sister to return to school to finish her freshman year of college, and my mother decided that we would make a girls trip out of it. It would just be my mother, my sister, and I driving back to North Carolina from D.C. Even better she said my sister and I could do the driving because at this point all our friends were driving and it was time for us to start driving as well. I believe I don't remember but my sister had previous driving lessons, but I only had one  driving lesson before.
When we left it was January 8th 2005, we were in a redskins edition Chevrolet trailblazer and my sister drove all the way to Richmond VA. I remember this so clearly it's as if I'm watching this in a movie.
We stopped at a rest stop to use the bathroom. Walking back to the car I said so does this mean it's my turn to drive? and my mother said No.
She said to me; you do not have enough experience to drive right now maybe later.
(What happened next will be my biggest regret for the rest of my life)
I was so upset with her response and I became really angry. I remember yelling this isn't fair! You always let Melony have what she wants and I never get a turn. I'm tired of being left out just because you like her more than me...it's not fair!
My manipulation must have made her feel bad because she said; fine.
You can drive, but be careful; my mother said.
Immediately, I got happy.
I sat in the driver seat thinking I'm going to show them I can do this.
I started making my adjustments. Because I'm so short I had to bring the seat all the way up to the wheel and just like that although very slowly we were off.
Coming out of the rest stop led to a three lane road with nothing but trees and wooded areas on both sides for miles. I was driving in the middle lane because I didn't feel to comfortable being so close to the trees. I must have been doing okay for a new driver, because my mother took a phone call from my brothers father. I hadn't been driving long at all maybe 3 minutes, when while on the phone she asked me to get over in the right lane. As I was merging I realized I turn too far because the car was heading head first into a giant tree.
In an attempt to prevent an accident I quickly jerked the wheel to the left with all my might and all of a sudden we were flipping. I remember feeling the truck rolling over seven times like a ball going up side down, and right side up over and over again .
It felt like I was on a rollercoaster!
It all happened so fast, but I remember holding on to the handle bars above the window with my left hand, and gripping the wheel with my right with all my might.
When the truck stopped we were on the opposite side of the road. I noticed that the airbags never went off. It landed right side up. All of the windows were busted, and all of our belongings were scattered all over the road with some things being so far from the vehicle it was as if they were flung by sling shots.
When the truck stopped for a brief moment it was an eerie silence I would never forget. I was so scared of what that silence meant that I did not look over at my mother and sister. It wasn't until I heard my sister scream that I finally worked up the nerve to look. First, I saw my mother in the passenger seat her head facing towards the broken window. Laying back against the headrest as if she was asleep. The phone no longer in her hands,and it wasn't until my sister leaned forward to get a better view of our mother that I noticed the blood dripping down her face. My sister though hurt and also having her own blood on her face was shaking our mothers shoulders  crying and begging her to wake up.
It was then that it dawned on me; my mother might be dead.
It was an overwhelming flood of emotions that hit me like a bag of bricks and the first thing I said and thought is: What did I do? In that moment I experienced no physical pain, but the fear of it all was so strong it actually hurt. I tried to open the doors to get out but they were all jammed. So we quickly climbed out the windows and ran over to the passenger side to help our mother get out of the car. When we reached the passenger side seeing my mother unconscious put my sister and I in an immediate state of panic. We tried frantically to get her door open, but it was jammed tight.
In a matter of seconds a women who witnessed the entire thing came up to us and asked if we were okay? She mentioned that she had already called the police. All I could say was: my mom, she won't wake up.
If only I could go back in time I would change the events of that day. Even if I couldn't change anything I wish that I could have warned myself in that moment. Prepare myself somehow for what was to come. Because what happened next would forever change the course of my life, and how I viewed myself.

This post is dedicated to my mother Victoria. I wish I could talk to you one more time so I can apologize to you for a number of reasons. But, mainly for not understanding the great lengths you went through and the sacrifices you had to make to care for us, and raise us. You gave up your childhood to give me life, and in return I ruined yours.

I never understood your love for me until I became a mother.

Now I understand, and I hope with the time I have left that I honor you in the way you deserve to be honored.

Love you ALWAYS