Conflicted

Let me tell you what's on my mind.

Conflicted.

I am at a point in my life where change is necessary. I know this. I feel it deep in my bones, but in what way? The clarity that life as I've known it has run it's course is prominent, and if I wish to continue on with ease then I need to adjust to the change life has forced upon me. 

But how?

What exactly am I doing wrong that needs work?

What did I do that was so misdirected that life had to step in and literally shake me the fuck up!

Turn my world upside down by challenging every ounce of strength and sanity I had, and dared me to keep going and not lose my shit.

WHO CAN DO THAT?

Who can survive this?

I CANNOT TAKE ANYMORE!

Allow me to fill you in....

 My name is Bay.( Bianca really, but for the sake of saving my precious fingers from typing more letters than necessary) Call me Bay. (OKAY!)

We've met before. Years back I created this blog to document motherhood, and raising a special needs child. It did pretty well. 

However,

As my depression grew deep, so did my desire to shut down and discontinue things I once enjoyed. So I allowed myself to disappear and slip away from society. 

During that time, the mission was Cali aka The Girl ( my daughter). Getting her better. In 2018 at just two years old her health took a turn for the worst. Needing to get several surgeries, such as a Jaw distraction (building new jaw by breaking the bone in half and installing a cranking device that needed turning everyday to allow new bone to grow to lengthen the jaw. Think of it as plastic surgery on the Jaw). In addition  to a Tracheotomy placement ( An opening surgically created through the neck into the trachea to allow air to fill the lungs). Needed after a complicated recovery. Cali was intubated for so long, that she became immune to the sedation she was placed under to help keep her calm, and prevent her from attempting to pull out the breathing tube. 

Let's just say that was a rough time.  Then to have covid as the follow up two months after getting her tracheotomy removed after two years with it.

 Things went from bad to worst. My stress level became so bad I developed Bell's Palsy (a neurological disorder that causes paralysis or weakness on one side of the face). I literally woke up looking like I had a stroke one day. It was the final straw.

 

At that time, I was home. I just completed school and decided it was time for me to go back to work. The kids were trying to kill me! Being trapped in a two bedroom apartment with  the four of them consistently with no room to breathe. ( I'd rather catch Covid at that point.)

So  I went back to work. 

I fixed my credit.

I got my family out of an apartment and into our first home.

I'm saying I.. because I DID. 

On my own without the help of the other two adults that I live with.

One being my husband, and the other my lazy, selfish, entitled sister.

SO YES!

I'm a home owner now. I make grown woman moves. Pay grown woman bills (most of the time). Do grown woman things (wink!) You nasty!

I meant publishing a book. Which I did. (CUE PROMO) A poetic motivational children's book titled: Just Keep Going. Beautifully illustrated designed to encourage perseverance and belief in oneself. A heartfelt must read that the whole family can enjoy time and time again. Available for purchase on Amazon, Book shop, ect.  Just search Just KEEP GOING by: Bianca Beasley. 

Share and support your friend.

Yeah. 

I changed a bit. 

I was on my way out of a long dark storm, finally catching sight of light. I thought the worst was over, and my family was finally getting on our feet, and moving forward. 

There were signs that our good luck was starting to dissipate. Little things like my husband losing his job, his car, and getting turned down from every interview he went on. Water heater giving out, and bathing in ice cold water. Not having enough money to manage all the household needs.

Those things were stressful, and scary. So I thought.

Little did I know those things were just a warm up of what's to come.

That was not stress!

That was not fear!

Fear is experiencing your son bust through your front door frantic screaming in a pitch I never knew he could make:  CALI GOT HIT BY A CAR!!!

Before I could get my words together my husband (Carl) walks in bloody, and carrying an even bloodier Cali placing her still body on the couch.

That moment forever branded in my brain. Immediate fear poured through my body, paralyzing me momentarily from moving forward to inspect the damage. Afraid that I would bare witness to her final breathe. Realizing that scenario was a very real possibility a sense of urgency to save my daughter took over. Engulfed  in terror, my blood froze as I discover blood pouring out of her forehead from a huge open hole causing the crimson colored blanket that covers her entire front side.

I rush to hold her in my arms, thinking  if I love her hard enough, she'll hold on. 

I scream anger now taking over, no will power to remain calm "WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?" I asked my husband. Trying to understand how a quick dog walk that lasted no more than ten minutes turn into this.  Carl shared the same terrified look, while our son paced, shaking, crying, screaming clearly distraught from what he just witnessed. 

I swear my soul left my body that moment. As if it was preparing to travel away from this world to follow my daughter should the worst decide to happen.

Making the decision in my mind that "Wherever she goes. I go."

That night, 

and everything after has changed the course our lives. Forcing me to let go of what I know and believe to be the right things. Logical things that would make sense to anybody, now seems to display itself as creating more problems. Such as working. I need money. I need to provide. Yes, my husband is working now, but I need to help keep our roof over our heads. 

Yet,

My kids need me now.

They need me home. 

Between the never ending doctor's appointments for BOTH of my kids (explanation coming soon) and the multiple therapies as a result of the accident. 

It is becoming increasingly difficult to maintain a work schedule and my kids health needs. I'm finding myself neglecting their care for the sake of making a buck, and it is TEARING ME APART emotionally.

I feel like a terrible mother.

Providing is essential. I know. 

But I'm coming to a point in my life where I need to decide which is more important. Assisting in providing, or getting my kids back on their feet literally.

Knowing that if I choose the latter, I could very well be pulling my family back in a financial hole. 

Going back to not making ends meet. Going back to threatening letters insinuating we could lose it all.

Which road GOD are you encouraging me to take? Should I stick it out and believe things will get better?

Or, should I let go and have faith that you will grant my husband the ability to carry this family with ease?

I honestly do not know. As I said I'm conflicted.

I've made wrong choices. I've suffered and survived the ramifications of those choices, and I DO NOT want to endure such a fate again.

So I pray. I ask for guidance. I maintain a clear mind so that I am able to recognize and receive the signs shall they come along.

While I wait my GOD for your direction...

In the meantime I'll JUST KEEP GOING.