I will get right to it.
I think I'm depressed.
You're probably thinking...
"Why would you say that?"
Umm... because it's true.
You see...as a woman of a somewhat particular age (30-ish). I have come to notice that my journey in life seems to be at a stand still.
In this season of accomplishments, I myself has failed to make any of my own.
The dreams I once held so dear to me are now starting to drift away. Slowly being replaced by dreams of settlement.
Which is wierd for me because I have never been the type of person to settle, or compromise for that matter.
So why the fuck am I doing it now!
(Excuse my language)
I feel empty.
Lost.
Unfulfilled.
But...why.
It's not like I'm lonely.
I have a husband, kids, nephews, and a crazy sister to make sure of that.
In fact a little alone time would be a dream come true.
To be able to sit in the tub for 30 minutes without interferrance is unheard of in my home.
It's not that I lack talent.
My mind is filled with unused ideas.
Great ideas.
Stories.
Shows.
Movies.
Parties. You name it.
The problem is that I don't know what my purpose in life is supposed to be.
I know what I want it to be.
But.. . What is it supposed to be?
Why am I here?
What legacy do I want to leave behind?
You see...There are things that I am good at,
But I don't want to spend my one chance at life doing that.
However, there is nothing I am really passionate about.
I have interest. Just not sure if my interest is my calling.
I hate to compare, but it's kind of hard not to.
Everyone around me has plans. Awakenings as to what their purpose is and is currently making moves to achieve their goals.
Myself, however... still at the starting line. Waiting for a reason, a purpose, hell I will settle for a desire to go after something. Even if it's the wrong something.
Which is why I think I'm depressed.
You know when you travel.
At some point you stop by a souvenir shop and there is always that wall of keychains with names. As you search you find your friends names, siblings, your ex.
However, you don't see yours.
Once you give up the search there is that momentary feeling of dissatisfaction. Almost like you feel left out.
You walk away wondering ...where is my name? That is how I feel.
Like everyone around me has goals and plans that are going well for them.
While I am here with nothing.
Even when I think I know what I want.
I lack motivation to go after it.
Here I am with all these eggs, and no basket to put them in.
Meaning... in one way I am ready to start some form of achievements.
In another way I just simply can not.
I don't know how.
I don't know what.
And....
I don't know why.
My basket is empty.
My name is missing.
I am in search of a sign.
A defining moment that will let me know without doubt this is what I need to pursue.
I probably made no sense to you.
Or maybe you know exactlyhow I feel.
Either way...
I hope you find your purpose.
Your desire.
Your name.
If I ever....
Correction...
When I find my name
I will be sure to let you know.
I think I'm depressed.
You're probably thinking...
"Why would you say that?"
Umm... because it's true.
You see...as a woman of a somewhat particular age (30-ish). I have come to notice that my journey in life seems to be at a stand still.
In this season of accomplishments, I myself has failed to make any of my own.
The dreams I once held so dear to me are now starting to drift away. Slowly being replaced by dreams of settlement.
Which is wierd for me because I have never been the type of person to settle, or compromise for that matter.
So why the fuck am I doing it now!
(Excuse my language)
I feel empty.
Lost.
Unfulfilled.
But...why.
It's not like I'm lonely.
I have a husband, kids, nephews, and a crazy sister to make sure of that.
In fact a little alone time would be a dream come true.
To be able to sit in the tub for 30 minutes without interferrance is unheard of in my home.
It's not that I lack talent.
My mind is filled with unused ideas.
Great ideas.
Stories.
Shows.
Movies.
Parties. You name it.
The problem is that I don't know what my purpose in life is supposed to be.
I know what I want it to be.
But.. . What is it supposed to be?
Why am I here?
What legacy do I want to leave behind?
You see...There are things that I am good at,
But I don't want to spend my one chance at life doing that.
However, there is nothing I am really passionate about.
I have interest. Just not sure if my interest is my calling.
I hate to compare, but it's kind of hard not to.
Everyone around me has plans. Awakenings as to what their purpose is and is currently making moves to achieve their goals.
Myself, however... still at the starting line. Waiting for a reason, a purpose, hell I will settle for a desire to go after something. Even if it's the wrong something.
Which is why I think I'm depressed.
You know when you travel.
At some point you stop by a souvenir shop and there is always that wall of keychains with names. As you search you find your friends names, siblings, your ex.
However, you don't see yours.
Once you give up the search there is that momentary feeling of dissatisfaction. Almost like you feel left out.
You walk away wondering ...where is my name? That is how I feel.
Like everyone around me has goals and plans that are going well for them.
While I am here with nothing.
Even when I think I know what I want.
I lack motivation to go after it.
Here I am with all these eggs, and no basket to put them in.
Meaning... in one way I am ready to start some form of achievements.
In another way I just simply can not.
I don't know how.
I don't know what.
And....
I don't know why.
My basket is empty.
My name is missing.
I am in search of a sign.
A defining moment that will let me know without doubt this is what I need to pursue.
I probably made no sense to you.
Or maybe you know exactlyhow I feel.
Either way...
I hope you find your purpose.
Your desire.
Your name.
If I ever....
Correction...
When I find my name
I will be sure to let you know.
Comments
Post a Comment