Last night I had a dream.
I had dreamt that I was saying goodbye to my Woodrow Wilson high school class of 2005.
I recall the optimistic feeling of endless possibilities, and the strong desire to take over the world.
Then, I woke up. When I opened my eyes I looked at my husband.
I am just going to come right out and say it...
Marriage is tricky!
I looked at this beautiful man whom I love....and all I could feel is rage!
I guess this is the right time to tell you.
This post is about marriage, even though I am sure that the title had given that away.
No! I am not about to create a whole post about what is wrong with my husband. (Though that would be interesting). I am simply expressing my perspective on how I feel being a stay at home mom, and wife.
I hate my husbands job!
In the same breath I appreciate his job. I am very grateful that he works, and is doing something he is passionate about. However, I envy that it consumes all of his time.
His job has opened my eyes to the importance of quality time.
I wake up and he is gone. I go to bed and he is gone. Through out the day.. you guessed it... he is gone.
And while he is working family life goes on. While he is at work Jonah has asked me 50,000,000 questions. My nephews and son had gotten into 80,000 fights. Calista has had 8 outfight changes. 20 tantrums, and at least 3 choking episodes because one of the boys snuck and gave her something to eat. Even though they know she cannot eat through her mouth. In the mist of this busy day I have had no time to shower, brush my teeth, HELL I can't even look in the mirror. You can forget being able to use the bathroom. I pray every morning that I don't have an upset stomach, because it will stay upset until nap time.
If that is not chaotic enough I still have to make appointments, schedule therapy, follow ups, order equipment, document observations, along with figuring out dinner and making it.
If I am lucky to have a second to think my immediate thought is that "I CANNOT WAIT FOR MY HUSBAND TO GET HOME."
I figured if he was here it would lighten the load and we could tackle these psychotic kids together. (After all they are half his, and I did my half).
I imagine him coming home with chocolate covered strawberries, and a giant bottle of wine. Because he knew without me saying anything what a day I must have had. Followed by the statement that every mother dreams: "Babe why don't you go get your nails done while I watch the kids...take my card". I have this fantasy everyday!
But, the reality... he comes home late.. and the first thing he says is I have to make my phone calls now, can you keep the kids out of the room until I'm finished.
The phone calls will last about two hours.
Then he gets to take a bath for about an hour IN PEACE
When he is finally ready to grace us with his presence he goes right into the kitchen to eat dinner.
Once he is settled he always say I gotta go back out in a few hours.
IT DRIVES ME CRAZY!
I know what you're thinking....
You are wondering if I had spoken with him about how I feel.
If you know me then you know that I have.
I am a very vocal person. I do not believe in hiding thoughts or feelings. Every chance I get I tell him that I need a break. I also express my desire to have alone time with him just so that we can have a conversation. We must have had this talk everyday in the year of 2018.
The conversation goes no where.
My argument is that I need TIME! Time with you. Time without the kids. Time to reconnect and talk.
His argument is I can't give you that right now because I am working hard to create a better life for my family.
Which for the record I understand where he is coming from.
However, I believe that time waits for no one, and while he is out working he is missing our children's childhood. He is missing the moments that matter more then money. He is missing the creation of their foundation, and the opportunities to instill his beliefs. I am not saying that I want him to stop working so that he can be home to help me.
Not at all.
I know we need money.
What I want is for my husband to balance his time better.
There is a time for work
and there is a time for wife
and a time for family.
You cannot keep cutting into family and wife time for the sake of a dollar.
By doing that it is effecting my marriage.
We are becoming disconnected.
What do you expect when you stop having conversations?
He is a good man. I know that.
He loves me. I know that.
He loves his kids. I know that.
So why can't he just take a moment to show that?
And I am so confused with my thoughts.
Sometimes I wonder who is being more unreasonable him or me?
I wonder who is going to give in?
I also wonder how much can I take?
I don't like feeling like a single parent even though I am married.
I want a partnership.
I want to create beautiful memories together.
I want attention, and a break.
I want surprises, and laughter.
I want to feel relief when I hear that door open.
I want a marriage that feels like a marriage.
I want my husband to understand.
This ongoing battle of work vs. wife has to end at some point.
Who knows?
Maybe I will wave the white flag
or end up packing my bags.
Either way I know this for sure:
I love that man.
I appreciate his desire to provide, and protect.
I just love him so much that I want to spend time with him.
And it really hurts my feelings that he would go so long without making time for me.
By doing this it effects my self esteem and creates doubt within myself.
I pray we find a solution soon.
No marriage is perfect.
I would love to here from you.
Let me know if you understand where I am coming from or if I am being unreasonable?
I had dreamt that I was saying goodbye to my Woodrow Wilson high school class of 2005.
I recall the optimistic feeling of endless possibilities, and the strong desire to take over the world.
Then, I woke up. When I opened my eyes I looked at my husband.
I am just going to come right out and say it...
Marriage is tricky!
I looked at this beautiful man whom I love....and all I could feel is rage!
I guess this is the right time to tell you.
This post is about marriage, even though I am sure that the title had given that away.
No! I am not about to create a whole post about what is wrong with my husband. (Though that would be interesting). I am simply expressing my perspective on how I feel being a stay at home mom, and wife.
I hate my husbands job!
In the same breath I appreciate his job. I am very grateful that he works, and is doing something he is passionate about. However, I envy that it consumes all of his time.
His job has opened my eyes to the importance of quality time.
I wake up and he is gone. I go to bed and he is gone. Through out the day.. you guessed it... he is gone.
And while he is working family life goes on. While he is at work Jonah has asked me 50,000,000 questions. My nephews and son had gotten into 80,000 fights. Calista has had 8 outfight changes. 20 tantrums, and at least 3 choking episodes because one of the boys snuck and gave her something to eat. Even though they know she cannot eat through her mouth. In the mist of this busy day I have had no time to shower, brush my teeth, HELL I can't even look in the mirror. You can forget being able to use the bathroom. I pray every morning that I don't have an upset stomach, because it will stay upset until nap time.
If that is not chaotic enough I still have to make appointments, schedule therapy, follow ups, order equipment, document observations, along with figuring out dinner and making it.
If I am lucky to have a second to think my immediate thought is that "I CANNOT WAIT FOR MY HUSBAND TO GET HOME."
I figured if he was here it would lighten the load and we could tackle these psychotic kids together. (After all they are half his, and I did my half).
I imagine him coming home with chocolate covered strawberries, and a giant bottle of wine. Because he knew without me saying anything what a day I must have had. Followed by the statement that every mother dreams: "Babe why don't you go get your nails done while I watch the kids...take my card". I have this fantasy everyday!
But, the reality... he comes home late.. and the first thing he says is I have to make my phone calls now, can you keep the kids out of the room until I'm finished.
The phone calls will last about two hours.
Then he gets to take a bath for about an hour IN PEACE
When he is finally ready to grace us with his presence he goes right into the kitchen to eat dinner.
Once he is settled he always say I gotta go back out in a few hours.
IT DRIVES ME CRAZY!
I know what you're thinking....
You are wondering if I had spoken with him about how I feel.
If you know me then you know that I have.
I am a very vocal person. I do not believe in hiding thoughts or feelings. Every chance I get I tell him that I need a break. I also express my desire to have alone time with him just so that we can have a conversation. We must have had this talk everyday in the year of 2018.
The conversation goes no where.
My argument is that I need TIME! Time with you. Time without the kids. Time to reconnect and talk.
His argument is I can't give you that right now because I am working hard to create a better life for my family.
Which for the record I understand where he is coming from.
However, I believe that time waits for no one, and while he is out working he is missing our children's childhood. He is missing the moments that matter more then money. He is missing the creation of their foundation, and the opportunities to instill his beliefs. I am not saying that I want him to stop working so that he can be home to help me.
Not at all.
I know we need money.
What I want is for my husband to balance his time better.
There is a time for work
and there is a time for wife
and a time for family.
You cannot keep cutting into family and wife time for the sake of a dollar.
By doing that it is effecting my marriage.
We are becoming disconnected.
What do you expect when you stop having conversations?
He is a good man. I know that.
He loves me. I know that.
He loves his kids. I know that.
So why can't he just take a moment to show that?
And I am so confused with my thoughts.
Sometimes I wonder who is being more unreasonable him or me?
I wonder who is going to give in?
I also wonder how much can I take?
I don't like feeling like a single parent even though I am married.
I want a partnership.
I want to create beautiful memories together.
I want attention, and a break.
I want surprises, and laughter.
I want to feel relief when I hear that door open.
I want a marriage that feels like a marriage.
I want my husband to understand.
This ongoing battle of work vs. wife has to end at some point.
Who knows?
Maybe I will wave the white flag
or end up packing my bags.
Either way I know this for sure:
I love that man.
I appreciate his desire to provide, and protect.
I just love him so much that I want to spend time with him.
And it really hurts my feelings that he would go so long without making time for me.
By doing this it effects my self esteem and creates doubt within myself.
I pray we find a solution soon.
No marriage is perfect.
I would love to here from you.
Let me know if you understand where I am coming from or if I am being unreasonable?
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