Greetings to you
Did you miss me?...Of course you did not.
Some of you probably have no idea who I am.
I took a break from blogging when my daughter came home from the hospital with a tracheostomy. After being in the hospital for two months unexpectedly I was so ready for her to come home that I never considered how stressful it would be when she actually gets home. I had to get readjusted to being a different type of mom. But, that is not what I want to talk about today. Although, I promise to fill you in on all things Calista this time this post is about me.
October is my month.
My favorite time of the year.
You guessed it...it's my birthday!
As well as my wedding anniversary, as well as the anniversary of the day I met my husband.
It's safe to say that October is the only time of year when I shine! (Ping!)
I will officially be in my 30's ( I am 30 now which is technically not in the 30's cause 30 ends in zero. My argument and I am sticking with it.)
This year however, with October being almost over I noticed that I am still waiting on the shine.
With me officially entering my 30's (I know) all I can feel leading up to my birthday is failure.
I am sure everyone has that moment in life where you realize where you are is nowhere near where you should be. I am aware of that.
With me however, I am starting to feel that I was always meant to fail.
All the years I have spent daydreaming and wishing for love, and popularity, fame, money, and family. Those wishes were never gonna come to reality. Sure I have some of those things. I have an amazing husband whom I cherish, beautiful children, and I am developing my own modern family. I am grateful to have this. Without my family my life is meaningless. But, take my family out of the equation, and I feel worthless. When I think about myself alone. Meaning not as a wife ( cause I am a good one!) Not as a mother (again, I'm a damn good one!) Not as a sister/aunt (debatable).
Who am I?
Better yet, what can I offer this world in this lifetime?
I am a stay at home mother with no degree. Which means if my husband decides to leave (which he won't!) or if he was taken away from me (please GOD DON'T) How would I ever be able to provide for my kids?
I never believed that a woman should have all her eggs in one basket and look at me literally all of my eggs are in one basket, and what a pain it would be if I lost control of that basket.
Like right now for example all I want is to buy a house big enough for my family to grow in, that is located in a neighborhood where I can feel comfortable. Yet, there is not much I can do to make that possible.
Every time I start something I can't finish.
Every time I want something it never happens.
It is not supposed to be like this at 30.
At 30 I am supposed to be finally moving up in my career.
I am supposed to have a refrigerator full of magnets from different places that I have traveled.
I am supposed to have an intervention from my husband over shoes I keep buying and closet space I am taking over. But that is not my reality.
Instead, I never started a career all my experience is in child care, and my only real talent is writing, but with no degree who would actually pay me to write?
I have never left the country or been on vacation.
I literally have only two pair of shoes, because I feel bad spending money on myself when I could use it for a bill or food.
As I mentioned before this year October traded in my shine for a dose of eye opening reality. which has left me with one question: when did I become a failure?
What choice did I make in my 30 years of life that has lead me on a road where I am solely depending on someone else for everything one way or another?
What could I do to change this?
Truth be told, I am not okay with just getting by anymore.
I have reached a point where I desire more for myself.
I was supposed to be dead a long time ago.
But, I am not!...Why?
Why am I here? When GOD spared my life not once but twice what did he see for me?
In my head I am so cool, you don't understand.
I am kind, I always want the best for everyone. I am a motivator. I am funny. Depending on if my hair is done I am beautiful. I am smart. I am creative. There are so many good qualities about me. Yet, for some reason at 30 years old I still struggle with ways to use my qualities to my advantage. I still am unable to give my family the things they need most.
Bianca the mom and wife is thriving.
But, Bianca the woman is drowning, been drowning.
This year really did a number on me. This was the first time I thought of suicide.
The first time I felt uncapable. The first time I saw my myself and didn't like what I saw.
This year was tough, with Calista being sick, and losing a baby, along with all the other normal everyday problems. It was just too much. 30 kicked my ass.
However, I am not giving up.
I may have just embarrassed myself by sharing all this too much information. If you don't know by now I have nothing left to lose. I have been losing for so long I am used to it. Achieving something would be the surprise. In my last week as a 30 year old I just wanted to end this year with transparency. Hope. Inclusion.
Who knows maybe this time next year I will have a better story to tell. Until then I will keep the faith, and as always I would love to here from you.
Let me know what you think or just wish me a HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Did you miss me?...Of course you did not.
Some of you probably have no idea who I am.
I took a break from blogging when my daughter came home from the hospital with a tracheostomy. After being in the hospital for two months unexpectedly I was so ready for her to come home that I never considered how stressful it would be when she actually gets home. I had to get readjusted to being a different type of mom. But, that is not what I want to talk about today. Although, I promise to fill you in on all things Calista this time this post is about me.
October is my month.
My favorite time of the year.
You guessed it...it's my birthday!
As well as my wedding anniversary, as well as the anniversary of the day I met my husband.
It's safe to say that October is the only time of year when I shine! (Ping!)
I will officially be in my 30's ( I am 30 now which is technically not in the 30's cause 30 ends in zero. My argument and I am sticking with it.)
This year however, with October being almost over I noticed that I am still waiting on the shine.
With me officially entering my 30's (I know) all I can feel leading up to my birthday is failure.
I am sure everyone has that moment in life where you realize where you are is nowhere near where you should be. I am aware of that.
With me however, I am starting to feel that I was always meant to fail.
All the years I have spent daydreaming and wishing for love, and popularity, fame, money, and family. Those wishes were never gonna come to reality. Sure I have some of those things. I have an amazing husband whom I cherish, beautiful children, and I am developing my own modern family. I am grateful to have this. Without my family my life is meaningless. But, take my family out of the equation, and I feel worthless. When I think about myself alone. Meaning not as a wife ( cause I am a good one!) Not as a mother (again, I'm a damn good one!) Not as a sister/aunt (debatable).
Who am I?
Better yet, what can I offer this world in this lifetime?
I am a stay at home mother with no degree. Which means if my husband decides to leave (which he won't!) or if he was taken away from me (please GOD DON'T) How would I ever be able to provide for my kids?
I never believed that a woman should have all her eggs in one basket and look at me literally all of my eggs are in one basket, and what a pain it would be if I lost control of that basket.
Like right now for example all I want is to buy a house big enough for my family to grow in, that is located in a neighborhood where I can feel comfortable. Yet, there is not much I can do to make that possible.
Every time I start something I can't finish.
Every time I want something it never happens.
It is not supposed to be like this at 30.
At 30 I am supposed to be finally moving up in my career.
I am supposed to have a refrigerator full of magnets from different places that I have traveled.
I am supposed to have an intervention from my husband over shoes I keep buying and closet space I am taking over. But that is not my reality.
Instead, I never started a career all my experience is in child care, and my only real talent is writing, but with no degree who would actually pay me to write?
I have never left the country or been on vacation.
I literally have only two pair of shoes, because I feel bad spending money on myself when I could use it for a bill or food.
As I mentioned before this year October traded in my shine for a dose of eye opening reality. which has left me with one question: when did I become a failure?
What choice did I make in my 30 years of life that has lead me on a road where I am solely depending on someone else for everything one way or another?
What could I do to change this?
Truth be told, I am not okay with just getting by anymore.
I have reached a point where I desire more for myself.
I was supposed to be dead a long time ago.
But, I am not!...Why?
Why am I here? When GOD spared my life not once but twice what did he see for me?
In my head I am so cool, you don't understand.
I am kind, I always want the best for everyone. I am a motivator. I am funny. Depending on if my hair is done I am beautiful. I am smart. I am creative. There are so many good qualities about me. Yet, for some reason at 30 years old I still struggle with ways to use my qualities to my advantage. I still am unable to give my family the things they need most.
Bianca the mom and wife is thriving.
But, Bianca the woman is drowning, been drowning.
This year really did a number on me. This was the first time I thought of suicide.
The first time I felt uncapable. The first time I saw my myself and didn't like what I saw.
This year was tough, with Calista being sick, and losing a baby, along with all the other normal everyday problems. It was just too much. 30 kicked my ass.
However, I am not giving up.
I may have just embarrassed myself by sharing all this too much information. If you don't know by now I have nothing left to lose. I have been losing for so long I am used to it. Achieving something would be the surprise. In my last week as a 30 year old I just wanted to end this year with transparency. Hope. Inclusion.
Who knows maybe this time next year I will have a better story to tell. Until then I will keep the faith, and as always I would love to here from you.
Let me know what you think or just wish me a HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
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