I know we have talked about the responsibilities of a parent before, but we have never talked about how having so much responsibilities can weigh on you. With all the trache care, and tie changes, feeding schedule, and medications. Not to mention the laundry, dishes, homework, well you get the drift. One can be made to feel overwhelmed.
It starts out as just being overwhelmed, but then those feelings open doors to other feelings. Such as constant hunger, exhaustion, sadness, loneliness but no desire to interact, guilt, anxiety, agitated, the list goes on. If I had to put all these feelings into one word I would call it depression.
I guess a part of me would have some of these feelings from time to time in my life, but it would never last long. I would have feelings of fear, and exhaustion, mainly being tired of struggling. But, this is the first time I felt hopeless, like there is no end in sight.
I am not saying that having Calista has made me depressed. I love my little girl more than I could ever understand. It is not her that is the problem, it is me who feels like I have failed her just by having these feelings. I try to fight it. I try to redirect my mind by thinking of the positives. I tell myself to be thankful that Calista is alive. Be thankful that I have my two children, be thankful that we have a place to stay, a meal to eat, clothes on our back.
And I am thankful. Yet, I still feel helpless. I feel like if it were not for the kids my life would have no purpose. I feel disappointed in myself. Like I let myself down.
For years I have dreamed of what my life would be like as an adult. I dreamed of my husband. I dreamed of Jonah, Calista, my nephews. I dreamed of being an amazing writer with this awesome ability to make my audience feel something. I dreamed of that big house in that beautiful neighborhood where the sidewalks are brick. The neighbors bring pies and casseroles to the newbies, and that really awesome minivan that looks nice on the outside, but covered in dirt, and fast food trash on the inside.
I dreamed of a whole life for years. Now that I am in my dream it is not how I want it to be.
I have a husband. Yes.
He is an amazing man. BUT....
He works a lot leaving me with the bulk if not all of the responsibility of the kids, and the home. Which is fine that is my job. I know that. But, that job got a whole lot harder this year when Calista needed a tracheostomy.
I have two beautiful children. Yes. BUT...
It is killing me trying to keep up with their needs. Trying to challenge and teach Jonah, especially when he is not in the mood to learn. Trying to give him a summer, while also keeping one eye on Calista at all times. Trying not to freak out every time she chokes on her own mucus. Trying to remain calm during trach change, and monitoring her breathing while she sleeps, just because I fear she will die in her sleep like my mother did.
I am still waiting on the day I can get the house, and I am still struggling to get through my fear of driving. I am not living the dream that I had planned for myself, and I am having a hard time excepting this new reality.
I have lost myself.
At some point between all the loss and trauma of everything.
I have lost the real Bianca.
I don't even remember her anymore.
She turned into wife, then mom, then housekeeper, then cook, then nurse.
She has been gone for so long, and I miss her.
I miss her, but I don't think she is ever coming back.
That is sad to me.
I am not looking for sympathy.
Please do not feel sad for me.
I just want a platform to be honest.
To be able to share with you that I am human.
I am in the midst of a emotional and mental storm.
There are thoughts and feelings about myself that I do not like,
yet I cannot make them go away.
I have family. I am always surrounded by someone
But, I do feel alone.
I feel pressure all the time.
Pressure to be a good mother, and pressure to keep Calista alive.
I feel overwhelmed.
As much as it hurts to say
I am depressed.
I want you to know this
because if by GODs grace I get through this. If I manage to find myself again. If I manage to crack the code of healthy balancing. Then I need you to be witness of that.
If my life turns into a different fate, and I never make it out of this then at the very least like I always say, I want to be able connect with someone, somewhere, who might be feeling the same way.
Please do not judge or criticize me.
Instead if you are someone who has been through this then share with me your story of how you got through it. If you are someone who is going through this and you feel connected to what I am saying, then I would love to hear from you.
It starts out as just being overwhelmed, but then those feelings open doors to other feelings. Such as constant hunger, exhaustion, sadness, loneliness but no desire to interact, guilt, anxiety, agitated, the list goes on. If I had to put all these feelings into one word I would call it depression.
I guess a part of me would have some of these feelings from time to time in my life, but it would never last long. I would have feelings of fear, and exhaustion, mainly being tired of struggling. But, this is the first time I felt hopeless, like there is no end in sight.
I am not saying that having Calista has made me depressed. I love my little girl more than I could ever understand. It is not her that is the problem, it is me who feels like I have failed her just by having these feelings. I try to fight it. I try to redirect my mind by thinking of the positives. I tell myself to be thankful that Calista is alive. Be thankful that I have my two children, be thankful that we have a place to stay, a meal to eat, clothes on our back.
And I am thankful. Yet, I still feel helpless. I feel like if it were not for the kids my life would have no purpose. I feel disappointed in myself. Like I let myself down.
For years I have dreamed of what my life would be like as an adult. I dreamed of my husband. I dreamed of Jonah, Calista, my nephews. I dreamed of being an amazing writer with this awesome ability to make my audience feel something. I dreamed of that big house in that beautiful neighborhood where the sidewalks are brick. The neighbors bring pies and casseroles to the newbies, and that really awesome minivan that looks nice on the outside, but covered in dirt, and fast food trash on the inside.
I dreamed of a whole life for years. Now that I am in my dream it is not how I want it to be.
I have a husband. Yes.
He is an amazing man. BUT....
He works a lot leaving me with the bulk if not all of the responsibility of the kids, and the home. Which is fine that is my job. I know that. But, that job got a whole lot harder this year when Calista needed a tracheostomy.
I have two beautiful children. Yes. BUT...
It is killing me trying to keep up with their needs. Trying to challenge and teach Jonah, especially when he is not in the mood to learn. Trying to give him a summer, while also keeping one eye on Calista at all times. Trying not to freak out every time she chokes on her own mucus. Trying to remain calm during trach change, and monitoring her breathing while she sleeps, just because I fear she will die in her sleep like my mother did.
I am still waiting on the day I can get the house, and I am still struggling to get through my fear of driving. I am not living the dream that I had planned for myself, and I am having a hard time excepting this new reality.
I have lost myself.
At some point between all the loss and trauma of everything.
I have lost the real Bianca.
I don't even remember her anymore.
She turned into wife, then mom, then housekeeper, then cook, then nurse.
She has been gone for so long, and I miss her.
I miss her, but I don't think she is ever coming back.
That is sad to me.
I am not looking for sympathy.
Please do not feel sad for me.
I just want a platform to be honest.
To be able to share with you that I am human.
I am in the midst of a emotional and mental storm.
There are thoughts and feelings about myself that I do not like,
yet I cannot make them go away.
I have family. I am always surrounded by someone
But, I do feel alone.
I feel pressure all the time.
Pressure to be a good mother, and pressure to keep Calista alive.
I feel overwhelmed.
As much as it hurts to say
I am depressed.
I want you to know this
because if by GODs grace I get through this. If I manage to find myself again. If I manage to crack the code of healthy balancing. Then I need you to be witness of that.
If my life turns into a different fate, and I never make it out of this then at the very least like I always say, I want to be able connect with someone, somewhere, who might be feeling the same way.
Please do not judge or criticize me.
Instead if you are someone who has been through this then share with me your story of how you got through it. If you are someone who is going through this and you feel connected to what I am saying, then I would love to hear from you.
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