Can You Imagine?

Did I ever tell you that I was born with a Congenital Heart Defect?

The correct terminology for my specific defect is called: Tetralogy of Fallot.

Which can be defined as a rare condition caused by a combination of four heart defects that are present at birth.

Trust me when I tell you that I have heard the stories of my battle with my health as a baby and child about a million times. I assure you the next time I visit my grandmother, it will be a million and one.

Every time she sees me, she feels compelled to remind me what a miracle I am!

How I had to have open heart surgery during the time where the doctors open your chest, and crack your ribs to get to your heart. She loves to talk about how I almost died. In her words "how I was supposed to have died". 

Apparently, I had a successful surgery, but it was the recovery that turned south. I am unsure what the cause was, but I do know that my organs started to shut down one by one during recovery. The doctors did all they could to prevent my body from shutting down, but try as they might nothing they did was working. My lungs were shutting down, I required a breathing tube. My kidneys were shutting down, my intestines were not working. I no longer produced urine nor did I move my bowels. I had lost my sight. I was put in a induced coma. Believe me when I say I was headed on a path of deterioration, and all of this lasted for 59 days!

Can you imagine...59 days of no signs of progress.

FIFTY-NINE DAYS!

 Before when I heard the story I assumed that my grandmother was exaggerating.

I really never thought too much of it. I just developed this strong belief that GOD has a special plan for me, and he kept me alive so that I can fulfil my destiny.

I remember back in my loser days in grade school. I recall sitting alone in my room just fantasizing on what my calling might be. I thought all kinds of crazy things.

Maybe, I am gonna be a super hero with special abilities; I just haven't tapped into it yet.

Maybe, I am gonna be the next Oprah who uses my words and wit to move a nation and get them to think about things, and see new perspectives.

Maybe, I am gonna be a queen who might actually achieve world peace.

As I said before I have always had an active imagination.

(That is the most active part of my body)

It wasn't until Calista was born and was in the NICU that I was able to receive a copy of my medical records and read the story of my fight as a child for myself. 

It was then that I realized my grandmother was telling the truth.

I actually was dying.

The doctors would actually tell my mother daily that I would not survive through the night....

But I did.

Then they would say that I would not survive the week..........

But I did.

Week after week

Day after day 

It was spent with my mother watching me and waiting for me to die.

Can you imagine?

As a mother, a teenage mother at that.

A single mother on top of that.

With another child at home.

While also in high school. 

Can you imagine, being in a hospital watching your little child laying in a bed, not moving, bluish skin color, sight gone, not urinating, no longer breathing on her own. Just watching, praying, and waiting.

It had never crossed my mind what my mother endured.

What she must have thought.

What she must have felt.

I never considered it until now.

Because now at this very moment as I write this...

Now I am in my mother's shoes.

That same little girl who was deteriorating.

That same girl who convinced the doctors to give up hope.

That same girl who did not die.

Well she is now grown up with a little girl of her own.

A little girl who too has a special need

A little girl who now lays in a hospital bed.

With a breathing tube.

In a induced coma

Fighting for her life.

Now it is my turn to watch, wait, and pray for my little girl to survive.

Now I know exactly how she felt.

The pain she endured watching me.

The love she must have had for me.

The anger that must have consumed her, and the stress of balancing it all. 

How crazy life can be?

Who would have thought?

On March 30th 2018 marked the 10 year anniversary of my mothers death, as well as her would be 46th birthday. For ten years now my mother has been gone; and on the tenth year anniversary of her passing I learned that my daughters health was in danger.

The days prior she was showing great improvements. There were no signs of further complications arising. She was recovering from her surgery well. 

However, on March 30th her lungs started shutting down, and her other organs were soon to follow. It was discovered that she caught a pneumonia and it was so aggressive that it sent her body into septic shock.

Which as I write I am by her side in a hospital waiting for her to improve.

Trying to be strong for her. But, as I look at her all I can think about is how much I wish I could just talk to my mother. How unfair it is to not have her guide me through this. She is the only person that has been in my shoes. I have so many questions, only she could answer, that will never be answered.

It is something about seeing a child be still.

Not moving.

Hooked up to equipment, and cords, and needles.

Something about that image.

It does something to me.

It looks too familiar to an image I never want to see.

A still child is the worst image in the world.

Right now Calista is so still.

Her stillness is killing me.

Tearing what left over heart I have left, and as you know I was born with a defected heart. As you know the many traumas I have endured throughout my life it has slowly broken pieces of my heart.

From being bullied, to my accident, to my mother, to Roman, to mystery baby, to Calista.

Every experience a piece of my heart is being taken a way. A piece of my sanity. A piece of my soul.

GOD keeps breaking me down, and breaking me down. It changes me. So much so that it leaves me to wonder why is God trying to change me?

Did he not like who I was?

When is it going to be enough?

When is he going to build me back up?

To see my baby girl suffer the way that she is suffering.

To see my family history being repeated.

To see the correlations between my mother and daughter.

I question the meanings of it all.

I wonder if I am meant to stay broken?

It is like I can feel something around me. Watching me.

But I don't know who it is.

What it is.

Is it God? Or do I have the attention of the one you do not want attention from?

Something is happening to me.

I can feel it!

Or maybe I finally lost my mind.

I don't know.

I hate this feeling.

I hate this experience.

I hate that my baby girl is suffering.

Spiritually I feel like I am drowning in a sea of sharks. With nothing but my faith in God to float on. And, the second I start to doubt God that survival faithful float that is barely keeping me above water will break. It is fragile. I will drown. The evil sharks will attack.

I cannot have that.

Right now I feel the sharks around me.

I see them watching, and waiting.

As I watch and wait.

But, my faith is keeping them from touching me. 

Although, I feel at times I am slipping. 

Though I feel this fragile float is not enough to keep me safe.

I have not drowned, nor have I been defeated by those sharks yet.

Which means there is still hope.

As long as there is hope, no matter how small it might be.

I will continue to fight.

To repair my heart.

Rebuild my soul.

Regain my sanity.

As history has shown time and time again

It will repeat itself.

Which means Calista will fight.

She will survive.

One day it will be her floating in the sea of sharks, and they will not be able to touch her.

I only ask that when that day comes...

I can be there to answer the questions that only I can answer.

I do not know what my destiny is..

Right now it is not my priority.

My priority is getting Calista to her destiny.

Getting Calista to tomorrow

and every day after that.

Please GOD if you can hear me 

Help me make that dream come true.