Can I just start off by saying...
It is possible that writing out my story has been helpful for me.
It gives me perspective that I did not have when I was in the thick of it.
It has allowed me to have conversations with people who have inspired me.
In this inspiration, it is giving me the courage to continue this journey of truth and acceptance.
When I blog. I talk about the thoughts that are in my head at that moment.
Thoughts and memories that are triggered from current events.
With it being Birthday season in my home.
I get the advantage of celebrating the people I love.
Calista has turned two. Jonah and my nephew will soon turn six.
It is March madness in full effect.
I am EXCITED!
With all these birthdays. Deep inside, I am in thoughts of an anniversary.
It has been said, that the first anniversary is always the hardest to get through.
A year ago sometime in February I found out some shocking news.
I was Pregnant! Again!
I had three positive pregnancy results in the past. Each time I beamed with happiness.
This one was different. This was the first time that seeing a positive pregnancy result scared me.
Calista was not even one yet, and it had been a hell of a year with her. Constantly in and out of the hospital. Adjusting to all her needs. Trying to remember all the different specialty doctors, and therapist, and home nurses. My head was consistently spinning.
My first reaction was to cry.
I shared the news with my husband.
He seemed to share the same sentiments of fear.
I shared the news with my sister.
She as well shared the same sentiments of fear for us.
They were worried that having a new baby would be too much on me.
This pregnancy was no secret for anyone I was close to.
I had to share the news immediately because I wanted some advice.
I needed to know how I am going to do this.
Take care of Calista, and a new born baby.
What will happen when Calista needs surgery?
Where will the baby be?
What will happen when I have to give birth?
Where will Calista be?
From the moment I learned I was pregnant
the advice given to me was abortion.
Although, for many that seemed to be the obvious answer.
That was not an option for me.
I been down that road before.
I think of Roman everyday.
I call the year I had him
The Era of Roman!
Letting him go sent me into a depression
that I could not get out of for a very long time.
With me sharing a different view from what felt like everybody.
Including family. War irrupted in my mind.
It was like everyone wanted my unborn child gone.
Everyday I had to defend my decision of wanting to keep this baby.
EVERYDAY.
It got so bad that I came up with a compromise with my family.
One that I knew with certainty will rule in my favor.
I agreed that if this baby had any disabilities worst than Calista
that I will consider terminating.
Reason being, I did not know how I could handle being there for two special needs babies
at the same time while also caring for Jonah.
I did not see how that could be possible.
I had no issues making that deal, because I knew this baby would be healthy.
God would not do that to me.
He knows I have had enough!
I had already lost a parent
and a child.
I have a special needs baby who has spent a year in touch and go conditions.
It is no way HE would allow me to go through all of that all over again.
So the plan was set.
I went to my first ultrasound appointment and everything checked out normal.
I was happy.
Already thinking of names and guessing the sex.
I was in GO mode.
Spending my days really trying to come up with a plan to make this work by myself.
Because everyone else was still in my ear about abortions.
So came the second ultrasound appointment with my high risk pregnancy doctor.
My husband was finally starting to come around with the idea of having a new baby.
So he came with me to the appointment.
We were excited to get our first set of ultrasound pictures of the baby.
The doctor came in, did the ultrasound.
But what made it different is that she did not say a word. She took her pictures, and walked out the room. We thought nothing of it. Until she came back in the room with watery eyes.
She said: I am so sorry. But the baby has a lot of fluid in the brain. With that much fluid it is a high chance that your baby will not survive to term.
My heart broke yet again.
How could this be happening AGAIN!
I know that I had agreed to terminate if the baby was not healthy, but I really did not want to do that. So I had asked. Is it possible to stay pregnant and just see what happens?
The doctors advice was to terminate for the sake of my health.
It was told to me that if the baby dies inside of me, then it will start to decompose and cause serious infections that could kill me.
Hearing that my husband was in agreement with the doctor.
I was so devastated and angry.
It seemed that everyone was going to get their wish after all.
Against my better judgement.
Against what was really in my heart.
I agreed to terminate.
Because I was 13 weeks pregnant. I could not just take a pill and the baby would be gone. I had to go to a specialist and have the baby removed. When I arrived to the facility it seemed like all the signs were there to NOT move forward with this termination.
Maybe because I did not want to do it. I felt like I was once again making a mistake that I will come to regret. I walked in there with this feeling that I could not begin to describe, so I won't even try.
When the time came for me to go in the back I walked with fear.
I sat in this chair that resembled one in a doctors office. I got hooked up to a heart monitor.
It was all down hill from there.
The nurse tried to hook me up to an iv, but she had difficulty finding a vein. She stuck me several times in both arms to no avail. So she enlisted the help of other nurses. Two others to be exact. Together at the same time they stuck me in my foot, my arms and hands until they finally got a vein that will work.
Can you imagine being held down by three strangers, while they poke you with needles?
For me this was a sign that this termination should not be happening.
It should not be this difficult to find a vein.
I have always had issues with my veins, but my hands were always a promising location.
Yet, this time it would not work. It was very uncomfortable being held down like that. But, it was nothing in comparison to what happened next.
As soon as they got the needle in my vein. They began to administer the medicine to numb my body.
Because it took so long to find the vein the doctor did not give time to let the medicine kick in. Immediately, the termination process started.
Whenever I feel pain. My body automatically locks itself. It is nothing I can do about it.
So when the doctor told me to open my legs...I couldn't.
So the two nurses held them open for me.
One on one leg, one on the other.
A nurse holding my hand.
The doctor between my legs with a metal device that seemed like a claw from the carnival game where you try to get a stuffed animal.
She began to insert the tool inside me
and I could feel EVERYTHING!
The pain from this object being inside me was so bad that my body was in utter shock.
I was screaming!
I was crying!
I told them that it HURTS!
All they said was relax your body it will be done soon.
How the hell could I relax with a metal tool inside of me?
I couldn't!
I didn't!
I screamed for them to stop.
Or at least give me a minute to catch my breathe.
That is when this device inside of me started to spin
WHILE INSIDE OF ME!
Scrapping my insides
Scrapping my uterus
Scrapping life out of me
Scrapping my baby out of it's home.
The pain was too much for my body to bare so my heart rate started to drop.
My eyes rolled to the back of my head
My body trembled uncontrollably
My voice cracking from all the screaming and crying.
And what did those three nurses and a doctor do?
They all just held me down.
Forcing my legs to stay open.
Forcing my body still so that they could hurry up and move on to the next.
No one. Not one single person seemed concerned in the least bit of my obvious utter pain.
If anything they seemed annoyed with me.
I even recall one nurse saying it never takes this long. You are making the process longer because you won't relax. As if I have a choice in the matter.
It felt like I was being gutted like a fish
and this feeling lasted an hour.
For a very long hour I was experiencing unimaginable pain.
And no one seemed to care.
when the scrapping was finally over I opened my eyes in time to see the doctor tying up a bag that carried my child and walk out of the room.
When it was over I was told to put my clothes back on and go into the recovery room.
But I couldn't move. My body was numb.
As soon as the procedure was done
The medicine had finally kicked in.
My body was completely numb, but I still had to get up and get out.
The feeling of regret was immediate.
While in the recovery room I was numb and traumatized.
I could not answer not one of the nurses questions, and she asked me a lot of them.
My husband who just witnessed this whole ordeal was in as much despair as I.
He as well seemed traumatized. His eye glossed with pain.
Pain of regret, and pain of seeing his wife suffer in such a way, and not being able to do anything about it. Yet, he had to do the talking for me. I remember the nurse saying a statement that for me solidified my thoughts of terminating being a mistake.
She said it has never been a case when that medicine did not kick in right away. You are the first person this has ever happened to.
She could have been lying, or maybe it was true.
What was in my mind was that God gave me a choice to make and I was being punished because I made the wrong choice.
I just had my insides torn out of me because I did not have faith in my unborn child.
I know the doctor said it was a high possibility that the baby would die in my womb.
But I rather that then to have lost it in the manner that I did.
I thought this decision was suppose to protect me from more tragedy yet it created a new wave of suffering.
Yes losing Roman was emotional. Giving birth to a stillborn. Holding a newborn lifeless body.
But Losing this baby was emotional with added physical pain. Excruciating physical pain that lingered long after the procedure was over. For weeks it felt as if I had a gap inside my belly.
I felt empty.
I was back to being depressed, and no one knew what to do. Some of the words of wisdom only angered me.
People saying things like: I know it hurt but this is better then you having another baby right now because that really would have been too much.
Especially if your baby survived then you would have had another special needs baby and you really didn't want to deal with that.
You will see in the long run that you did the right thing.
Calista is enough.
You don't need to have anymore kids.
I hope you get your tubes tied.
These were the encouraging words given to me.
Let's be clear it did not help.
It only further fueled my anger.
I still do not understand when a woman is pregnant with a special needs child or any child how someone advice could be to get rid of it.
Why is it that a special needs child life is not as welcomed as a child with no abnormalities? It is as if you are doomed if you continue to give life to a baby that is not 100% perfect.
I do not mean to go off tract but this issue really bothers me.
As I said before this is the first anniversary of when I found out I was pregnant with a baby that did not get a chance to come into this world.
I wish I could tell you the sex or anything about that life.
It will always remain unknown.
I struggle with nightmares from that day.
Some dreams are about the pain. The worst physical pain I have ever experienced.
While others are about the repercussions of my decision.
I dream that I am at the foot of God on judgement day, and he is sitting on his throne with Roman on is left, and the mystery baby on his right. They are all looking at me in disappointment and my babies ask me why did I not keep them?
Were we not good enough for you?
Why did you keep Calista, and not us?
I wake up haunted every time.
Even on Calista's birthday I secretly wonder if they could see us. If they are feeling left out from the festivities. If when the day comes for me to meet them will they be able to forgive me?
I don't know guys. Maybe it is still too soon, but I cannot seem to find any new perspective on this one. The regret is deep seeded in my heart. I should have made my own decisions and ignored the opinions of others. After all this was my child. My job to advocate on it's behalf. My job to have faith. And I let him/her down.
I am curious to know
What do you think?
It is possible that writing out my story has been helpful for me.
It gives me perspective that I did not have when I was in the thick of it.
It has allowed me to have conversations with people who have inspired me.
In this inspiration, it is giving me the courage to continue this journey of truth and acceptance.
When I blog. I talk about the thoughts that are in my head at that moment.
Thoughts and memories that are triggered from current events.
With it being Birthday season in my home.
I get the advantage of celebrating the people I love.
Calista has turned two. Jonah and my nephew will soon turn six.
It is March madness in full effect.
I am EXCITED!
With all these birthdays. Deep inside, I am in thoughts of an anniversary.
It has been said, that the first anniversary is always the hardest to get through.
A year ago sometime in February I found out some shocking news.
I was Pregnant! Again!
I had three positive pregnancy results in the past. Each time I beamed with happiness.
This one was different. This was the first time that seeing a positive pregnancy result scared me.
Calista was not even one yet, and it had been a hell of a year with her. Constantly in and out of the hospital. Adjusting to all her needs. Trying to remember all the different specialty doctors, and therapist, and home nurses. My head was consistently spinning.
My first reaction was to cry.
I shared the news with my husband.
He seemed to share the same sentiments of fear.
I shared the news with my sister.
She as well shared the same sentiments of fear for us.
They were worried that having a new baby would be too much on me.
This pregnancy was no secret for anyone I was close to.
I had to share the news immediately because I wanted some advice.
I needed to know how I am going to do this.
Take care of Calista, and a new born baby.
What will happen when Calista needs surgery?
Where will the baby be?
What will happen when I have to give birth?
Where will Calista be?
From the moment I learned I was pregnant
the advice given to me was abortion.
Although, for many that seemed to be the obvious answer.
That was not an option for me.
I been down that road before.
I think of Roman everyday.
I call the year I had him
The Era of Roman!
Letting him go sent me into a depression
that I could not get out of for a very long time.
With me sharing a different view from what felt like everybody.
Including family. War irrupted in my mind.
It was like everyone wanted my unborn child gone.
Everyday I had to defend my decision of wanting to keep this baby.
EVERYDAY.
It got so bad that I came up with a compromise with my family.
One that I knew with certainty will rule in my favor.
I agreed that if this baby had any disabilities worst than Calista
that I will consider terminating.
Reason being, I did not know how I could handle being there for two special needs babies
at the same time while also caring for Jonah.
I did not see how that could be possible.
I had no issues making that deal, because I knew this baby would be healthy.
God would not do that to me.
He knows I have had enough!
I had already lost a parent
and a child.
I have a special needs baby who has spent a year in touch and go conditions.
It is no way HE would allow me to go through all of that all over again.
So the plan was set.
I went to my first ultrasound appointment and everything checked out normal.
I was happy.
Already thinking of names and guessing the sex.
I was in GO mode.
Spending my days really trying to come up with a plan to make this work by myself.
Because everyone else was still in my ear about abortions.
So came the second ultrasound appointment with my high risk pregnancy doctor.
My husband was finally starting to come around with the idea of having a new baby.
So he came with me to the appointment.
We were excited to get our first set of ultrasound pictures of the baby.
The doctor came in, did the ultrasound.
But what made it different is that she did not say a word. She took her pictures, and walked out the room. We thought nothing of it. Until she came back in the room with watery eyes.
She said: I am so sorry. But the baby has a lot of fluid in the brain. With that much fluid it is a high chance that your baby will not survive to term.
My heart broke yet again.
How could this be happening AGAIN!
I know that I had agreed to terminate if the baby was not healthy, but I really did not want to do that. So I had asked. Is it possible to stay pregnant and just see what happens?
The doctors advice was to terminate for the sake of my health.
It was told to me that if the baby dies inside of me, then it will start to decompose and cause serious infections that could kill me.
Hearing that my husband was in agreement with the doctor.
I was so devastated and angry.
It seemed that everyone was going to get their wish after all.
Against my better judgement.
Against what was really in my heart.
I agreed to terminate.
Because I was 13 weeks pregnant. I could not just take a pill and the baby would be gone. I had to go to a specialist and have the baby removed. When I arrived to the facility it seemed like all the signs were there to NOT move forward with this termination.
Maybe because I did not want to do it. I felt like I was once again making a mistake that I will come to regret. I walked in there with this feeling that I could not begin to describe, so I won't even try.
When the time came for me to go in the back I walked with fear.
I sat in this chair that resembled one in a doctors office. I got hooked up to a heart monitor.
It was all down hill from there.
The nurse tried to hook me up to an iv, but she had difficulty finding a vein. She stuck me several times in both arms to no avail. So she enlisted the help of other nurses. Two others to be exact. Together at the same time they stuck me in my foot, my arms and hands until they finally got a vein that will work.
Can you imagine being held down by three strangers, while they poke you with needles?
For me this was a sign that this termination should not be happening.
It should not be this difficult to find a vein.
I have always had issues with my veins, but my hands were always a promising location.
Yet, this time it would not work. It was very uncomfortable being held down like that. But, it was nothing in comparison to what happened next.
As soon as they got the needle in my vein. They began to administer the medicine to numb my body.
Because it took so long to find the vein the doctor did not give time to let the medicine kick in. Immediately, the termination process started.
Whenever I feel pain. My body automatically locks itself. It is nothing I can do about it.
So when the doctor told me to open my legs...I couldn't.
So the two nurses held them open for me.
One on one leg, one on the other.
A nurse holding my hand.
The doctor between my legs with a metal device that seemed like a claw from the carnival game where you try to get a stuffed animal.
She began to insert the tool inside me
and I could feel EVERYTHING!
The pain from this object being inside me was so bad that my body was in utter shock.
I was screaming!
I was crying!
I told them that it HURTS!
All they said was relax your body it will be done soon.
How the hell could I relax with a metal tool inside of me?
I couldn't!
I didn't!
I screamed for them to stop.
Or at least give me a minute to catch my breathe.
That is when this device inside of me started to spin
WHILE INSIDE OF ME!
Scrapping my insides
Scrapping my uterus
Scrapping life out of me
Scrapping my baby out of it's home.
The pain was too much for my body to bare so my heart rate started to drop.
My eyes rolled to the back of my head
My body trembled uncontrollably
My voice cracking from all the screaming and crying.
And what did those three nurses and a doctor do?
They all just held me down.
Forcing my legs to stay open.
Forcing my body still so that they could hurry up and move on to the next.
No one. Not one single person seemed concerned in the least bit of my obvious utter pain.
If anything they seemed annoyed with me.
I even recall one nurse saying it never takes this long. You are making the process longer because you won't relax. As if I have a choice in the matter.
It felt like I was being gutted like a fish
and this feeling lasted an hour.
For a very long hour I was experiencing unimaginable pain.
And no one seemed to care.
when the scrapping was finally over I opened my eyes in time to see the doctor tying up a bag that carried my child and walk out of the room.
When it was over I was told to put my clothes back on and go into the recovery room.
But I couldn't move. My body was numb.
As soon as the procedure was done
The medicine had finally kicked in.
My body was completely numb, but I still had to get up and get out.
The feeling of regret was immediate.
While in the recovery room I was numb and traumatized.
I could not answer not one of the nurses questions, and she asked me a lot of them.
My husband who just witnessed this whole ordeal was in as much despair as I.
He as well seemed traumatized. His eye glossed with pain.
Pain of regret, and pain of seeing his wife suffer in such a way, and not being able to do anything about it. Yet, he had to do the talking for me. I remember the nurse saying a statement that for me solidified my thoughts of terminating being a mistake.
She said it has never been a case when that medicine did not kick in right away. You are the first person this has ever happened to.
She could have been lying, or maybe it was true.
What was in my mind was that God gave me a choice to make and I was being punished because I made the wrong choice.
I just had my insides torn out of me because I did not have faith in my unborn child.
I know the doctor said it was a high possibility that the baby would die in my womb.
But I rather that then to have lost it in the manner that I did.
I thought this decision was suppose to protect me from more tragedy yet it created a new wave of suffering.
Yes losing Roman was emotional. Giving birth to a stillborn. Holding a newborn lifeless body.
But Losing this baby was emotional with added physical pain. Excruciating physical pain that lingered long after the procedure was over. For weeks it felt as if I had a gap inside my belly.
I felt empty.
I was back to being depressed, and no one knew what to do. Some of the words of wisdom only angered me.
People saying things like: I know it hurt but this is better then you having another baby right now because that really would have been too much.
Especially if your baby survived then you would have had another special needs baby and you really didn't want to deal with that.
You will see in the long run that you did the right thing.
Calista is enough.
You don't need to have anymore kids.
I hope you get your tubes tied.
These were the encouraging words given to me.
Let's be clear it did not help.
It only further fueled my anger.
I still do not understand when a woman is pregnant with a special needs child or any child how someone advice could be to get rid of it.
Why is it that a special needs child life is not as welcomed as a child with no abnormalities? It is as if you are doomed if you continue to give life to a baby that is not 100% perfect.
I do not mean to go off tract but this issue really bothers me.
As I said before this is the first anniversary of when I found out I was pregnant with a baby that did not get a chance to come into this world.
I wish I could tell you the sex or anything about that life.
It will always remain unknown.
I struggle with nightmares from that day.
Some dreams are about the pain. The worst physical pain I have ever experienced.
While others are about the repercussions of my decision.
I dream that I am at the foot of God on judgement day, and he is sitting on his throne with Roman on is left, and the mystery baby on his right. They are all looking at me in disappointment and my babies ask me why did I not keep them?
Were we not good enough for you?
Why did you keep Calista, and not us?
I wake up haunted every time.
Even on Calista's birthday I secretly wonder if they could see us. If they are feeling left out from the festivities. If when the day comes for me to meet them will they be able to forgive me?
I don't know guys. Maybe it is still too soon, but I cannot seem to find any new perspective on this one. The regret is deep seeded in my heart. I should have made my own decisions and ignored the opinions of others. After all this was my child. My job to advocate on it's behalf. My job to have faith. And I let him/her down.
I am curious to know
What do you think?
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