The days leading to my mothers funeral were really just blurs of time for me.
It was like I had awoken into a different life.
One where the only constant was pain.
It hurt to wake up. It hurt to breathe. It hurt to move.
Everything Hurt.
What hurt the most was seeing things that belonged to her.
Things she used on a daily basis no longer being used.
Like her bed. Her wheelchair. Her hair brush. Her Clothes.
All these things still carried her scent, but her spirit, her existence was gone.
Everything was a reminder that my life as I once knew it was gone.
At 20 years old I was planning a funeral with my sister and our grandmother.
Deciding on a casket was the most out of body experience to date. We eventually chose a pink casket only because it was different, and my mother deserved to stand out. She always did and it was fitting that she continued to. Shopping for her final outfit was no walk in the park either.
It actually hurt to shop. (Didn't think that would ever be possible! Yet it did)
We chose Yellow and white for her because yellow was her favorite color. We also brought outfits for ourselves in the same color. As a way of feeling slightly connected to her we brought 3 sets of matching necklace and earrings. one for my sister, one for myself, and one for my mother. All the arrangements were set. I thought by being involved in the planning of the funeral that I would be able to handle the actual funeral better. With me knowing already what she would look like, what she would wear...it would be no surprises. The day before the funeral the home that was hosting my mother allowed us to view her to make sure she was presented properly and to our liking.
(I am about to cry....I'm sorry)
No amount of preparation could have ever prepared me for the first time I saw my mother lying in a casket. This body did not look like my mother. Her skin when you really looked at it appeared greyish. Her position was so stiff. Her eyes would not move. She was so lifeless.
Everyone was crying. Everyone could cry.... but me.
I just stood in a distance. Secretly thinking "What did I do?"
I was disgusted in myself.
It hurt!!!
It must have shown on my face, because my grandmother told everyone to give me a minute alone with my mother.
Honestly.. I was scared. I moved closer to her. I looked at her long and hard so that I would never forget what she looked like in this moment. I still couldn't cry.
Looking at her I felt angry, sad, scared, lonely, regret, and desperate. I replayed all the arguments we shared. All the times I left in a attempt to get away from her. All the moments that I just wanted it to be the three of us.
All I could say out loud was "I'm sorry."
When I said that I touched her face.... It shook me to my core!
Her skin was cold and hard like a rock. She didn't even feel like a person anymore. She didn't feel like the body that I have washed, dressed, fed, carried, held, hugged, loved....anymore.
She was really gone!
I'm standing right in front of her, but I cannot feel her presence anymore.
That is when I cried.
I cried and I walked away from her knowing I have just one more time to be next to her in life.
After the viewing I had a job interview at a coffee shop.
Don't ask me I do not know why I went.
Maybe because I wasn't me anymore. Maybe because I was scared that financially I am on my own. Maybe because I was out of it mentally I did not know what I was doing. I just saw my mother in a casket and now I am being interviewed for a job.
I ended up being hired, but the manager who hired me must have seen the emptiness inside of me and offered to buy me lunch somewhere else. I said yes because I didn't want to be rude and I knew as soon as this interview is over I have to get ready for a funeral.He was an older man probably in his 30's compared to me being 20 years old. He was very unattractive something was definitely wrong with his teeth from what I remembered. I don't know how but instead of taking us to get lunch, he took me to his home. Because I was so out of it in my mind I didn't even realize until we were there that we are not where we are supposed to be. Before I could say anything he started kissing me with his disgusting mouth. Touching me with his rusty dry hands, and because I already felt worthless I lacked the ability to fight this. I thought I deserve this!
This vile of a man touching me is my punishment. My preview of my life to come.
It is not okay to murder the only person who loved you enough to fight for you when you were supposed to die as a baby and everyone thought you wouldn't make it. The only person who loved you enough to be there for you everyday. Because of my actions. My attitude. She is gone.
And I am weak. And the first person I come in contact with has sensed my weakness and this is what happens when you are weak.
I just layed there, but for some reason he stopped before he went too far. I guess because my body was tensed and you could see I was highly uncomfortable. Or maybe his conscience kicked in. I honestly don't know. I didn't know anything that day. All he said was that his lunch break is over and he had to get back to work. I should have felt relieved. I felt nothing.
When we finally made it back to the coffee shop
he asked me if we could go on a date tomorrow?
I simply said "I have plans."
After that encounter I went home and cried.
I cried until the next day.
The big Day.
The final Goodbye
It was like I had awoken into a different life.
One where the only constant was pain.
It hurt to wake up. It hurt to breathe. It hurt to move.
Everything Hurt.
What hurt the most was seeing things that belonged to her.
Things she used on a daily basis no longer being used.
Like her bed. Her wheelchair. Her hair brush. Her Clothes.
All these things still carried her scent, but her spirit, her existence was gone.
Everything was a reminder that my life as I once knew it was gone.
At 20 years old I was planning a funeral with my sister and our grandmother.
Deciding on a casket was the most out of body experience to date. We eventually chose a pink casket only because it was different, and my mother deserved to stand out. She always did and it was fitting that she continued to. Shopping for her final outfit was no walk in the park either.
It actually hurt to shop. (Didn't think that would ever be possible! Yet it did)
We chose Yellow and white for her because yellow was her favorite color. We also brought outfits for ourselves in the same color. As a way of feeling slightly connected to her we brought 3 sets of matching necklace and earrings. one for my sister, one for myself, and one for my mother. All the arrangements were set. I thought by being involved in the planning of the funeral that I would be able to handle the actual funeral better. With me knowing already what she would look like, what she would wear...it would be no surprises. The day before the funeral the home that was hosting my mother allowed us to view her to make sure she was presented properly and to our liking.
(I am about to cry....I'm sorry)
No amount of preparation could have ever prepared me for the first time I saw my mother lying in a casket. This body did not look like my mother. Her skin when you really looked at it appeared greyish. Her position was so stiff. Her eyes would not move. She was so lifeless.
Everyone was crying. Everyone could cry.... but me.
I just stood in a distance. Secretly thinking "What did I do?"
I was disgusted in myself.
It hurt!!!
It must have shown on my face, because my grandmother told everyone to give me a minute alone with my mother.
Honestly.. I was scared. I moved closer to her. I looked at her long and hard so that I would never forget what she looked like in this moment. I still couldn't cry.
Looking at her I felt angry, sad, scared, lonely, regret, and desperate. I replayed all the arguments we shared. All the times I left in a attempt to get away from her. All the moments that I just wanted it to be the three of us.
All I could say out loud was "I'm sorry."
When I said that I touched her face.... It shook me to my core!
Her skin was cold and hard like a rock. She didn't even feel like a person anymore. She didn't feel like the body that I have washed, dressed, fed, carried, held, hugged, loved....anymore.
She was really gone!
I'm standing right in front of her, but I cannot feel her presence anymore.
That is when I cried.
I cried and I walked away from her knowing I have just one more time to be next to her in life.
After the viewing I had a job interview at a coffee shop.
Don't ask me I do not know why I went.
Maybe because I wasn't me anymore. Maybe because I was scared that financially I am on my own. Maybe because I was out of it mentally I did not know what I was doing. I just saw my mother in a casket and now I am being interviewed for a job.
I ended up being hired, but the manager who hired me must have seen the emptiness inside of me and offered to buy me lunch somewhere else. I said yes because I didn't want to be rude and I knew as soon as this interview is over I have to get ready for a funeral.He was an older man probably in his 30's compared to me being 20 years old. He was very unattractive something was definitely wrong with his teeth from what I remembered. I don't know how but instead of taking us to get lunch, he took me to his home. Because I was so out of it in my mind I didn't even realize until we were there that we are not where we are supposed to be. Before I could say anything he started kissing me with his disgusting mouth. Touching me with his rusty dry hands, and because I already felt worthless I lacked the ability to fight this. I thought I deserve this!
This vile of a man touching me is my punishment. My preview of my life to come.
It is not okay to murder the only person who loved you enough to fight for you when you were supposed to die as a baby and everyone thought you wouldn't make it. The only person who loved you enough to be there for you everyday. Because of my actions. My attitude. She is gone.
And I am weak. And the first person I come in contact with has sensed my weakness and this is what happens when you are weak.
I just layed there, but for some reason he stopped before he went too far. I guess because my body was tensed and you could see I was highly uncomfortable. Or maybe his conscience kicked in. I honestly don't know. I didn't know anything that day. All he said was that his lunch break is over and he had to get back to work. I should have felt relieved. I felt nothing.
When we finally made it back to the coffee shop
he asked me if we could go on a date tomorrow?
I simply said "I have plans."
After that encounter I went home and cried.
I cried until the next day.
The big Day.
The final Goodbye
As always I would love to hear from you. Share your thoughts questions with me about todays post
ReplyDelete