Let's assume we are close friends and no matter what we don't judge.
Can we do that?....Good.
Because let me tell you.
During the time my mother was paralyzed, and my sister was home to help me care for our mother I was going through a serious hoe phase.
Hold on...Hold on let me explain!
I always believed that every woman (woman not little girl) but WOMAN should go through a hoe phase. I am not saying a woman should sleep around with multiple men.
What I mean is every woman should have a time in her life when they explore the sea of men or women...whatever you choose.
You do not have to take my advise. I can only speak for myself........and for me because of everything that was going on in my home during that time. I was desperate for an escape.
At home I was the PROBLEM.
The one at fault.
The mean daughter.
The outcast.
So when I got my first job as a waitress I took it as an escape.
I loved being at work!
I made my own money, I got to leave the house, and the best part about it was that I was meeting men who was interested in me.
This was all so new to me!
Men giving me attention, flirting with me, asking me out on dates.
LET ME TELL YOU!!!!
It was like a drug for me.
For the first time in long time I felt beautiful, and worthy.
I can't lie to you I might have slept with a few of them.
Although if I saw them today I wouldn't remember them
But like we agreed earlier we don't judge.
To keep it completely honest I don't regret it.
Because in those moments I was happy. Granted it wasn't real! In fact in Hine sight these men were not even worthy of my time. But I was desperate to get rid of the PAIN!
At home the arguing between my mother and I had gotten worst.
I was constantly being kicked out for my attitude and lack of help.
On several occasions I had Holy Oil put on my forehead (by my sister in request of my mother) and rebuked in the name of JESUS!
(fun fact: my sister later revealed that she would put holy oil on my head when I was asleep)
My sister was upset with me because now she's drained and need a break from all the responsibilities so she stoped talking to me. My mother was still hurt because I was neglecting her so she's not talking to me.
All my friends are away in college or busy with college.
Because I didn't know how to make it right. When I was at home I was alone.
I was uncomfortable being at home so I stayed in my room for the most part.
Left alone with my thoughts and feelings of guilt and resentment.
I used to fantasize about what it would be like if I died.
With all the problems I have caused. Would my mother and sister be relieved?
How long they would grieve before they were able to move on with their lives.
If I would be okay knowing eventually I would be forgotten.
During that time I really believed that my family hated me, and the only way to make it right was to just eliminate myself from the equation so that no further problems can arise for them.
I actually convinced myself that my death would be an act of love for my family.
I had a lot of dark thoughts in that room alone to say the least.
As ridiculous as this might sound to you and to me having the attention from men was the only thing that kept me from acting on those dark thoughts.
Getting a taste of what it's liked to be wanted was everything to me.
At home I was on the verge of suicide, but at work I was confident, desirable, and funny. I wasn't a problem. I wasn't evil. I was Bianca!
My experience at work making new friends, and meeting new people was a life line for me. It gave me the courage to go home.
Now let's be clear the way I acted at home was despicable!
I deserved every bit of treatment I got. There were moments when I realized that I was wrong and I would apologize to my mother and sister. They would forgive me. We would be a happy family in the living room watching television together. But eventually I would go right back to not wanting to do anything, making excuses for why I can't help and the cycle of anger would start again.
I will let you in a little secret: when I was a young girl I used to fantasize about spending quality time with just my mother and sister. Just staying at home laughing and joking while we baked chocolate chip cookies before we watched blockbuster movies. That's all I ever wanted. But with my mother being a single mother and working at a hospital she worked a lot which left my sister and I home alone all of the time. When she was home she was either too tired, or too busy with her boyfriend to spend quality time with us. So needless to say my dream did not come true.
So after the accident my mother was unable to return to work, and with my sister being home you would think my dream would have finally came true. The three of us were home so much including my brother that we could have baked cookies, and watched blockbuster together.
However, by then there was so much damage between the three of us that we just couldn't make that happen.
Instead, my sister and mother were bonding watching TV together while I was either in my room being dark and twisty, or out somewhere being hot and flirty.
If only someone could have told me our time together was shortly coming to an end I would have worked harder to make that dream come true.
Can we do that?....Good.
Because let me tell you.
During the time my mother was paralyzed, and my sister was home to help me care for our mother I was going through a serious hoe phase.
Hold on...Hold on let me explain!
I always believed that every woman (woman not little girl) but WOMAN should go through a hoe phase. I am not saying a woman should sleep around with multiple men.
What I mean is every woman should have a time in her life when they explore the sea of men or women...whatever you choose.
You do not have to take my advise. I can only speak for myself........and for me because of everything that was going on in my home during that time. I was desperate for an escape.
At home I was the PROBLEM.
The one at fault.
The mean daughter.
The outcast.
So when I got my first job as a waitress I took it as an escape.
I loved being at work!
I made my own money, I got to leave the house, and the best part about it was that I was meeting men who was interested in me.
This was all so new to me!
Men giving me attention, flirting with me, asking me out on dates.
LET ME TELL YOU!!!!
It was like a drug for me.
For the first time in long time I felt beautiful, and worthy.
I can't lie to you I might have slept with a few of them.
Although if I saw them today I wouldn't remember them
But like we agreed earlier we don't judge.
To keep it completely honest I don't regret it.
Because in those moments I was happy. Granted it wasn't real! In fact in Hine sight these men were not even worthy of my time. But I was desperate to get rid of the PAIN!
At home the arguing between my mother and I had gotten worst.
I was constantly being kicked out for my attitude and lack of help.
On several occasions I had Holy Oil put on my forehead (by my sister in request of my mother) and rebuked in the name of JESUS!
(fun fact: my sister later revealed that she would put holy oil on my head when I was asleep)
My sister was upset with me because now she's drained and need a break from all the responsibilities so she stoped talking to me. My mother was still hurt because I was neglecting her so she's not talking to me.
All my friends are away in college or busy with college.
Because I didn't know how to make it right. When I was at home I was alone.
I was uncomfortable being at home so I stayed in my room for the most part.
Left alone with my thoughts and feelings of guilt and resentment.
I used to fantasize about what it would be like if I died.
With all the problems I have caused. Would my mother and sister be relieved?
How long they would grieve before they were able to move on with their lives.
If I would be okay knowing eventually I would be forgotten.
During that time I really believed that my family hated me, and the only way to make it right was to just eliminate myself from the equation so that no further problems can arise for them.
I actually convinced myself that my death would be an act of love for my family.
I had a lot of dark thoughts in that room alone to say the least.
As ridiculous as this might sound to you and to me having the attention from men was the only thing that kept me from acting on those dark thoughts.
Getting a taste of what it's liked to be wanted was everything to me.
At home I was on the verge of suicide, but at work I was confident, desirable, and funny. I wasn't a problem. I wasn't evil. I was Bianca!
My experience at work making new friends, and meeting new people was a life line for me. It gave me the courage to go home.
Now let's be clear the way I acted at home was despicable!
I deserved every bit of treatment I got. There were moments when I realized that I was wrong and I would apologize to my mother and sister. They would forgive me. We would be a happy family in the living room watching television together. But eventually I would go right back to not wanting to do anything, making excuses for why I can't help and the cycle of anger would start again.
I will let you in a little secret: when I was a young girl I used to fantasize about spending quality time with just my mother and sister. Just staying at home laughing and joking while we baked chocolate chip cookies before we watched blockbuster movies. That's all I ever wanted. But with my mother being a single mother and working at a hospital she worked a lot which left my sister and I home alone all of the time. When she was home she was either too tired, or too busy with her boyfriend to spend quality time with us. So needless to say my dream did not come true.
So after the accident my mother was unable to return to work, and with my sister being home you would think my dream would have finally came true. The three of us were home so much including my brother that we could have baked cookies, and watched blockbuster together.
However, by then there was so much damage between the three of us that we just couldn't make that happen.
Instead, my sister and mother were bonding watching TV together while I was either in my room being dark and twisty, or out somewhere being hot and flirty.
If only someone could have told me our time together was shortly coming to an end I would have worked harder to make that dream come true.
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