I hope you don't mind.....I'm gonna go off subject..
Yes I know this blog is about motherhood.
My ups and downs of being a mother and raising my children...but if you want to get deep with it.
Before I became a mother I had a mother, and I just want to explore that part of my life.
Because honestly it is a part of my story..
I started this blog for many reasons,
For documentation of my journey,
to provide a moment for readers to reflect and know that struggle is real, but not the end
To have something to connect me with the outside world so I can maintain my sanity.
But to be honest I have my moments where keeping my sanity is not an option.
Take away the responsibilities of being a mother , there are demons I battle with in situations unrelated to motherhood.....or at least unrelated to me being a mother.
It's that time of the year again!!!
The heat calms down, the wind creates a lovely natural diva fan for your hair to blow all sexy like.
The color starts to change
Pumpkin is back at starbucks!
Also known as Fall season which is also my favorite time of the year because it's the season of my birthday. Although I used to embrace this season with nothing but love and excitement those feelings have now been mixed with anxiety and stress.
Every birthday I am reminded that I am not suppose to be here.... I'm not suppose to be alive!
Every birthday as I get closer to the age of my mother when she died I find it harder to fight the demons in my mind.
Constantly reminding me my time is not long.
Constantly reminding me that I do not deserve this outcome, this blessing that I have been given.
Fro what I did that day on the road twelve years ago. My actions that day resulted in a mother being taken away from her two teenage daughters, and her young son. My actions caused a little boy to grow up without his mother. The very mother that loved him like no other.
Those actions have allowed the demons to take residence in my mind and every year like clockwork the demon is hard at work replaying all the events of my mistakes and forming emotions of guilt. Why do I get to be a mother of two beautiful kids? When my mother didn't get the chance to see her son grow.
I know you are probably thinking this is too intense, or that I am making you uncomfortable. If I am I am sorry.
Let's just imagine I am talking to you as your friend....I'm opening up to you completely vulnerable as your friend...now that we are friends I have to admit:
I have moments (like this one obviously) where I struggle with my identity
I know who I want to be, and what I want to represent, what I want my legacy to be
However, I allow fear and guilt to stop me from achieving what I believe to be my destiny.
I think because a part of me listens to the demons...
A part of me believes I don't deserve happiness
A part of me believe I don't deserve forgiveness
A part of me does not want forgiveness
A part of me enjoys the pain
I sound crazy I know!!!
But the pain is my punishment for my actions, and although I have lost two children, suffer with a heart condition, and have a special needs child (that I adore). I still feel like I haven't suffered enough.
When I'm alone I do a lot of praying (or begging) to GOD
asking him to take over my mind and rebuke these terrible thoughts
I also ask him for forgiveness of my sins and to take the guilt away.
I don't know why but every fall season I get like this.
Every fall I fall down emotionally I can admit that,
But I always get it together in the end.
My take away on this particular blog would be although I have moments when I listen to the demons I never listen for too long, and although there are moments when the demon takes residence in my mind. GOD will always have a residence in my heart and soul, and if I keep asking GOD for his help one day the fall season will come and the guilt will be gone for good.
Yes I know this blog is about motherhood.
My ups and downs of being a mother and raising my children...but if you want to get deep with it.
Before I became a mother I had a mother, and I just want to explore that part of my life.
Because honestly it is a part of my story..
I started this blog for many reasons,
For documentation of my journey,
to provide a moment for readers to reflect and know that struggle is real, but not the end
To have something to connect me with the outside world so I can maintain my sanity.
But to be honest I have my moments where keeping my sanity is not an option.
Take away the responsibilities of being a mother , there are demons I battle with in situations unrelated to motherhood.....or at least unrelated to me being a mother.
It's that time of the year again!!!
The heat calms down, the wind creates a lovely natural diva fan for your hair to blow all sexy like.
The color starts to change
Pumpkin is back at starbucks!
Also known as Fall season which is also my favorite time of the year because it's the season of my birthday. Although I used to embrace this season with nothing but love and excitement those feelings have now been mixed with anxiety and stress.
Every birthday I am reminded that I am not suppose to be here.... I'm not suppose to be alive!
Every birthday as I get closer to the age of my mother when she died I find it harder to fight the demons in my mind.
Constantly reminding me my time is not long.
Constantly reminding me that I do not deserve this outcome, this blessing that I have been given.
Fro what I did that day on the road twelve years ago. My actions that day resulted in a mother being taken away from her two teenage daughters, and her young son. My actions caused a little boy to grow up without his mother. The very mother that loved him like no other.
Those actions have allowed the demons to take residence in my mind and every year like clockwork the demon is hard at work replaying all the events of my mistakes and forming emotions of guilt. Why do I get to be a mother of two beautiful kids? When my mother didn't get the chance to see her son grow.
I know you are probably thinking this is too intense, or that I am making you uncomfortable. If I am I am sorry.
Let's just imagine I am talking to you as your friend....I'm opening up to you completely vulnerable as your friend...now that we are friends I have to admit:
I have moments (like this one obviously) where I struggle with my identity
I know who I want to be, and what I want to represent, what I want my legacy to be
However, I allow fear and guilt to stop me from achieving what I believe to be my destiny.
I think because a part of me listens to the demons...
A part of me believes I don't deserve happiness
A part of me believe I don't deserve forgiveness
A part of me does not want forgiveness
A part of me enjoys the pain
I sound crazy I know!!!
But the pain is my punishment for my actions, and although I have lost two children, suffer with a heart condition, and have a special needs child (that I adore). I still feel like I haven't suffered enough.
When I'm alone I do a lot of praying (or begging) to GOD
asking him to take over my mind and rebuke these terrible thoughts
I also ask him for forgiveness of my sins and to take the guilt away.
I don't know why but every fall season I get like this.
Every fall I fall down emotionally I can admit that,
But I always get it together in the end.
My take away on this particular blog would be although I have moments when I listen to the demons I never listen for too long, and although there are moments when the demon takes residence in my mind. GOD will always have a residence in my heart and soul, and if I keep asking GOD for his help one day the fall season will come and the guilt will be gone for good.
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