Why couldn't HE wait just one more day?

I know it has been a while since I have posted on my blog.

I guess I have been stalling because I know what happened next.

You don't know this but every time I write on my blog, especially when I am sharing a memory of my past. It haunts me for DAYS.

In my mind I am questioning everything.

I question my actions, my sanity, and my response to the incidents.

I also question if done differently, could it have been avoided.

And what happened next is no different.

What I am about to share with you is not to be taken lightly.

In fact, consider this a WARNING!

This post is NOT a happy story.

And there I go again.......STALLING.

Let's just pick up where I left off.

Two years went by, and nothing much had changed. I continued to work a lot. I made some friends while working so the majority of my focus was into maintaining a social life that I have finally manage to accomplish. My sister never worked. She dedicated her life to caring for our mother. My mother was still paralyzed from the neck down, no improvements on her physical abilities. However, she did by this point receive some benefits. For a short time she had a day nurse who would bathe her, dress her, and do other things for her. Then, one day she did not show up which was unlike her. Later that day we received a phone call from her daughter who informed us that she had passed away in her sleep the night before. My mother was devastated. We all were. She was a really good nurse.

After that my mother did not want a new nurse so from then on it was just my sister and I caring for her. My mother would also have physical therapy every week at NRH in Washington D.C. It was very helpful to my family for a number of reasons. The food in their cafeteria was good, so we always looked forward to going. The people we would meet were amazing, but what really made those weekly visits positive experiences was my mothers therapist. He was so cool. He was strong, kind of sexy, and funny but above all he had this ability to make my mother smile! Even on days where she just could not get out of her depressed state. He was like an angel for my family. It got to the point where we looked at him like family. I guess he felt the same way about us because he invited us to his wedding.

We felt so special of course we went. I'm glad we did because that was our last outing with just the three of us. It was beautiful. The reception was at a museum, and there was an open bar which we utilized to the fullest extent. My mother got to dance with the groom, and I was cruising the venue in search for a rich man who is looking for a young wife.

There were still challenges my mother had to face aside from her paralysis. She had a lawyer who told her in order to win her case for the accident; she would have to sue me. Which she did.

She also suffered from constant unimaginable pain. It became so bad that she started getting immune to the pain medicine she was prescribed. Meaning the medicine no longer worked for her, so when it became really bad we would go to the ER so she could get medicine through IV. Another cause for constant ER visits were UTI (urinary tract infections) she would develop.

Aside from the medical challenges there were a lot of arguments in our home between my mom and I. My mom and my brother's dad. My sister and I. Me and my brother's dad. Let's just say drama was not in short supply for years. I could go on about that, but that's another story for another time.

It didn't help that we felt forgotten by the outside world. My friends were away in college. My sister's friends were away in college. My mother's friends came by less and less. The phone calls were less and less. We only left the house for errands and doctor's visit.

At that time I really thought that this would be our lives forever. I felt like the beast from beauty and the beast. Doomed to repeat the days over and over again while the world continued on without us.

Then FINALLY came a turning point. Looking back I call it the calm before the storm. It was the end of 2007 going into 2008. For some reason it was like good luck had finally came our way. My mother won her case, and she was looking to build a rambler house that was wheelchair accessible, and it actually looked like it would be happening. I had finally left the restaurant business and got a job at an elementary school which happened to be the school my brother was attending. My mother would have more good days where we would laugh and joke. Sometimes we would even go to the mall to spoil ourselves and my brother. She even got back in contact with her long time best friend.. She hadn't spoken to her in years. Her friend had no idea about the accident. She started coming by to keep my mother company and lift her spirits which made my mother so happy.

However, this happiness was not meant to last long. The end of February early march my mother became really sick. So we took her to the hospital and she ended up being admitted and staying in the hospital for three weeks. The doctor said she had a really bad UTI infection, and she was complaining about constant pain so the hospital wanted to keep a close eye on her. At first it felt kind of nice to have a break from all the responsibilities of taking care of her. (If you have ever been a care giver then you know how much work it is).

After a while we were ready for her to come home. She was getting frustrated with being there and she was not herself anymore. It seemed like no matter what they gave her the pain was not going away. We were really concerned and scared for my mother's well being.

So when she was finally discharged everyone was happy. Especially because her birthday was right around the corner.

With all that my mother had been through recently with the long hospital stay and still dealing with the pain, my sister and I decided to do something really special for her birthday.

But it seemed like fate had other plans.

Every idea we had when we would try to set it up it would fail. Every time. Even when we tried to order the cake she wanted for some reason that cake was unavailable.We were running out of ideas and before we knew it her birthday was the next day.

The day before her birthday was like any other day. She was in pain so we gave her the usual pain medicine. She fell asleep and was in and out all day. Which was not unusual because when she did not feel well she slept a lot.

My sister and I took that time to finalize on a birthday plan. Her birthday was on a Sunday so we decided to throw her a last minute surprise party at home. The plan was set. I would wake her up, get her dressed and my sister would take her to church. While they were gone I would stay home with my brother and set up and welcome the guest. We invited her friends and our family. Everyone she had not seen in a while.

The next day I woke up excited and ready to put the plan into action. We finally had something to look forward to. I love birthdays and I love my mother so I was just ready to celebrate her and give her a reason to be happy.

I went to my mother who was still sleeping so I picked out her outfit when everything was settled I tried to wake her up but she was in a deep sleep. Which is not unusual sometimes when she takes medicine it would be a little difficult to wake her so you would have to shake her for a minute or two to get her up.

I shook her. I yelled. But she was obviously in a deep sleep. My brother came in the room who was five at the time and he did his usual routine. He would sit next to her and grab her face to wake her up. It didn't work either.

By this point I am getting a little concerned. So I wake my sister up and tell her that I can't wake mommy. She gets up and she tries.....nothing. My brother's dad comes down by this point we are all freaking out, and he tries to wake her... nothing.

He tells my sister to call 911! My sister gets the phone and call while my brothers dad is checking her pulse, and still trying desperately to get her up. I will never forget the sound of the cracks in his voice when he said I think she is gone. Immediately my sister replied angrily: Don't you say nothing like that! She's just sleeping. I cannot speak for them, but for me I was scared that she was in a coma. She just looked like she was asleep. We knew the ambulance was on it's way so my sister and I dressed her, and put her shoes on, and before we knew it the ambulance came. When they arrived they didn't seem too concerned at least to me so it gave me a sense of hope.

My sister and my brothers father followed the ambulance to the hospital. While my brother and I stayed behind to continue to set up for the party. I don't know what I was thinking. I guess I really believed that she was in a deep sleep and soon she would wake up.

I called my sister to get an update because a couple hours had gone by and guest would be arriving soon. However, I received her voicemail. Shortly after she came home by herself. I met her at the door and asked: what is going? Where is mommy?

She is gone; said my sister with tears in her eyes.

And just like that my whole world changed.

My first feeling was fear! I thought what are we going to do?

I mean there is so much that I still don't know as a woman. She has to be here!

She is not done raising us!

I don't know how to do taxes!

Or cook all the meals she can make!

I don't know politics!

Or how to register to vote!

How to shop for quality clothes!

Which brand is best to buy at the grocery store!

There is no way this could be possible!!

What about my brother!

He is FIVE! He needs her! He LOVES HER!

How can he continue his life without her?

I asked: What happened?

My sister said: They tried to revive her but she died in her sleep. They will be doing an autopsy to find the cause of death.